“Courage, dear heart.” ~ C.S. Lewis 

Heartbreak is the most agonizing pain I’ve experienced.

No other form of pain has stabbed me so deeply, or left me so entirely raw.

While it is true that a lot of good can come of it once the heart heals (deeper self-love, growth, new beginnings, fresh perspectives), I have come to find that we don’t place enough importance on the period of intense sadness before the “good” is revealed.

These dark and often unbearable times of pure grieving make me feel like my heart is breaking. Physically breaking.

There were moments I truly thought I would never be able to function normally again.

We live in a society that does not yet fully embrace the necessity of feeling our sadness. We are encouraged to be numb, to escape, to just “get over it.”

The truth is that our broken hearts need us to feel them. 

Healing involves navigating through our pain—not avoiding it. If you feel unable to stay afloat amidst the waves of emotion, I invite you to create a loving, safe space for your heart to release everything it is holding.

I know it hurts. I know it’s scary. Give yourself permission to cry and to grieve.

I wrote this vulnerable piece in the midst of my most painful heartbreak. I am sharing it so that anyone sitting in grief will know they are not alone.

As you read it, know that in this moment, that real place in my heart extends to that real place in yours.

Ugly Cry.

Leaning against my bedroom wall, I slide onto the cold, wooden floor
I burrow my chin into my knees
Hold myself tightly, breathe ever so carefully
My vision slowly tunnels as my heart beats uneasily
My existence empties

He left me.

Every tick of the clock moves at the speed of eternity
I can’t think. I can’t process. I can’t feel
“You’re gone,” I whisper.
Once so complete, now so far from whole
The salt water calmly gathers beneath the windows of my soul
I try so hard to remain still

My body starts to tremble, sending shockwaves of panic through my spine
I recall you walking away from me, saying, “This is for the best…you’ll be fine.”
As those words sink in, I am slowly crushed by the weight of this grief
Oh my God. I cannot breathe

I release a moan, its sound so deeply haunting
At once, I am ripped away from this familiar place
and thrown violently into the dark ocean of heartbreak
hit with wave after wave of perpetual contractions

This is it. There is no escape.

My endless tears return to the ocean like rain
In a frantic search for God, I look up to the sky
I beg him to end this unspeakable pain
“Please come back, tell me it was all a lie”
Inhale, exhale, ugly cry.

There are fleeting moments of stillness, in which all feelings cease
While they allow me to catch my breath,
They are far too brief
You covered me in gasoline, threw a lit match at my feet

Stepping back now, see how you’ve lit me aflame
My sensorium is burning, all ablaze
My mind is drowning in thoughts of shame
I am utterly haunted by the feeling of your gaze

So I weep

Like clockwork, the next wave crashes over me
Further shattering my already broken heart
Oh my God, I am fighting to breathe
But the air is so heavy with grief

The strings that joined us weigh me down
Broken, they dangle all around me
I hold them with trembling hands as my heart sings out in agony
The one I love tore himself from me willingly
I can’t think or process, only feel
So I weep, I weep

As another wave approaches, I let out a disheartened sigh
Inhale, exhale, ugly cry.

Looking around, I see our most intimate memories
Like birds, they float around, gawking at me malevolently
They chant distressing melodies that plague my heart with regret
But I don’t have the strength to silence them yet
Defeated, I surrender to their merciless torment
As another wave crashes, I close my eyes tightly

I recall every detail of your face
While it makes the sadness unbearable, it saves me
In order to endure this dark cold place
I must remember the warmth of your embrace
I will never be okay without you, can’t you see?
“Please come back,” I scream out, hopelessly
But you’re already gone and I still can’t say goodbye
Inhale, exhale, ugly cry.

A moment of solace
The waves have subsided and the ocean lulls itself to sleep
I am released from her vindictive tyranny
I gather the fragmented pieces of myself and collapse into bed
I melt into the sheets as exhaustion possesses me
Desolation fills me with its toxicity

While sorrow wraps its arms around me, singing gloomy lullabies
I cringe at the reminiscence of our broken memories
Thinking desperately of everything I could have done differently
I turn warily to God, who has left me shattered and forsaken
I coldly request that I never awaken

I will remain here, alone, nestled in the ashes of my world
While my fingertips trace the details of your face
And an ocean of tears stains my pillowcase
Please tell me you love me and that you’ve changed your mind
If you come back I’ll be better, I swear that I’ll try.
Inhale, exhale, ugly cry. 

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Relephant:

There is Nothing Left to Do. {Poem}

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Author: Katrina Myre

Image: Courtesy of Author

Editor: Apprentice Editor: Sarah Gilbert; Editor: Toby Israel

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