What are you doing here?
Why won’t you leave me alone?
I wasn’t expecting you to show up today. I had been doing so well without you around lately.
I am not happy with the way my face flushes, the way my heart races faster than I know what to do with it, and the anxious pacing my body succumbs to as I try to rid myself of your influence.
You make me nervous and uncomfortable.
Go bother someone else today and leave me the hell alone! I don’t have time to deal with you. I have important things to get done, appointments to get to, and a checklist to work on.
I have a life to live and you are in my way.
It wasn’t my fault that you showed up when I least expected it…took hold of my blood pressure, my pounding heart, and my insides that twisted and churned in agony.
When I discovered that you had destroyed all the evidence that he and I had ever existed, I threw my wine glass across the room in a blind rage. I watched in satisfaction as it shattered on the wall in front of me. The pieces fell to the floor in a dizzying array of high-pitched musical notes that left my ears ringing. It soothed the sharp stabbing pain in my chest. All I wanted to do was escape and so I grabbed my bike and disappeared into the darkness, hoping I would become lost to the night and forgotten.
But, I discovered that I could not run from you, Anger, and I was surprised at how you permeated my soul.
I was petrified at the level of intensity I felt. The blood inside me boiled to a temperature so high that I could feel the tips of my ears burning.
Could I ever feel normal and happy again?
Would I ever return to a place of peace?
Death would be a welcome relief.
Why are you surprised at the heat churning within your soul?
I understand that you don’t want me around and my job is not to stay long.
I am a warning system that you have been hurt. Notice me, be aware….and wait, patiently. The lesson is coming and there is nothing you must do except notice me.
Sit with the pain. Let it pass, and I will retreat.
I’m sorry that you have been hurt and I hope you will never feel me again, but you are human. Stay present and feel the moment. Notice your breathing and be aware of your surroundings. Slow your breath and sit in the stillness. You may not have any answers, but that is alright, for there may not be any at this moment.
Feelings are neither good nor bad, right or wrong, they just are. As human beings, we will feel them all.
What do we do with them though? How do we treat others? How do we treat ourselves? Are we compassionate when we are confused or do we lash out in pain? Do we hurt others in retaliation or do we try to understand each other? Do we make judgments or do we ask questions to seek understanding? Do we hold space for others when they are hurting or do we demand that they respond before they are ready?
Do we offer kindness and a loving hand or do we abandon others if we feel slighted?
Do we expect perfection or do we forgive mistakes? Do we act impulsively or do we wait patiently? Do we yell and scream or do we breathe and calm our hearts? Do we feed the rage within us by acting out or do we seek the stillness of nature to soothe our soul? Do we let go when we should let it be?
For it is not our feelings which define us, but our actions—what we do with the feelings that we have—that determine who we are.
Author: Stephanie Parry
Image: @gypsieraleigh on Instagram
Editor: Khara-Jade Warren