Early on in my life, I sought outward for an eternal connection which, to this day, has still never quite been fulfilled.
Pleasing others, searching for acceptance via my actions, being too polite or completely intolerant toward others—I was lost in my sheltered and abhorrent identity.
I had a propensity toward behaving like an arrogant prick and was often a ruthless person to be around. Numb, fearful and always trying to impress or impose. My self-esteem was decidedly low and I’d become a severe alcoholic to mask this admission.
Seeking love in all of the wrong places. Giving way to my own pain-body whenever circumstances no longer boded well, in favor of my perceived comfort zones. Treating others poorly because I felt poor within myself. Believing in the reflection cast upon me by those I was closest to for the majority of my youth.
Self-destructive tendencies affected everyone around me in a negative fashion and my usual mode of communication toward those closest was often one of hostility—as I’d been taught. I’d become so lost and despairing that on several occasions suicide loomed over me often.
Then, a miracle occurred.
Given a new lease on life, one day it all came crashing down on my awareness—I was the sole cause of every ounce of misery I’d projected upon others, formerly insistent that they were the cause of such suffering rather than my own mind games, influencing such reactive behaviors.
Largely overcoming alcohol addiction in my mid-twenties and relinquishing toxic relationships, I began to seek help from professionals. I knew only that whatever issues I was meant to face were my own and that this burden was never to be placed upon my loved ones again.
Several months of Quantum Biofeedback therapy and Craniosacral therapy greatly alleviated some of these stresses which had been opposing my body, mind and spirit for all of those years. Eventually, I learned Reiki and received a certification in it as well.
Despite wishing for another chance at a relationship or continually attempting to distance myself from other addicts, the same issues remained present within me—solvable, but only by my own volition.
Pursuing simple strategies like daily walks, writing often (to introspect) and practicing energy work and meditation regularly became a living, breathing mantra to abide by.
Nonetheless, I often caved to various influences. It was especially difficult because my voice was still trapped within and the obvious people-pleasing measures, etc. were still a predominant, although undesirable, trait I’d yet to kick. My ego was acting on center stage and I continually gravitated toward external validation as a means of elevating my own, self-worth.
Being so insecure, I was easily swayed by the good intentions of others along with the selfish intent of some too.
Only after ending up on the streets—due to a series of ego-driven, ill-fated choices and entrepreneurial failures I’d embarked upon—and attempting to do all that was practical for a person to humanly endure each day, did I realize I’d been remaining pursuant to the past all along.
It dawned on me that I was only leading my life in circles, steered by whatever programming I’d been brought up with while ignoring the obvious pleas from my inner self to explore other ways to direct this life. It became evident to me that a creative tendency was yearning for its expression in my life.
Overlooking my unique potential as a creative, it seemed too simple to become a reality. Fear held me captive in a lifestyle that left me feeling dreadful and depressed. Living like this moving forward had become simply unbearable to fathom.
As a budding, yet weathering, entrepreneur taking risks had become a customary motivator by this time around a year ago and so I began preparing myself to play my hand with whatever cards were dealt unto me. One thing became certain: there was no way now that circling back and finding another job was going to fulfill all that inspired me to wake up each day.
Having learned to trust more faithfully in my quieter inner voice, or intuition, I listened to what it was advising me: writing as my primary means of fulfilling that inner sanctity each day. I’d decidedly begun trusting in the one natural influence in my life that was gifted unto me, of which I’d been aware since early childhood.
Words appeared clearly to me in my mind’s eye and so it was always easy to spell correctly, while I eventually learned that my inner muse also spoke through me, in the form of relatively articulate writing.
My higher self speaks through me.
I’ve accepted that I am a vessel or conduit through which this creative expression flows. One year since that time when I first trusted in a creative pursuit vs. a more practical route, I am more centered than I’ve ever been.
Pursuing writing and trusting in the creative forces ultimately led toward the creation of my own healing practice, after fully embracing this creative potential existent within me as well.
We’re all inherently gifted with psychic ability but the western, patriarchal world largely ignores this to instead motivate productivity and incessant consumption. Perhaps if we learned how to pursue these natural wonders more faithfully and fruitfully, we might enhance our ability to lead healthier lives at a pace more cohesive to human progress.
It’s my conviction that we must work with nature, while progressing technologically, to avoid compromising the health of people or planet. Ultimate forgiveness of others and self, heals.
Perhaps it’s time society invests in both the masculine and feminine embodiment, to help alleviate our individual and collective disenfranchised souls from such undue suffering.
Author: Thayne Ulschmid
Editor: Molly Murphy