When sex isn’t working, many of us blame ourselves.
But no matter what the state of our sex lives is, we must know that our bodies are not broken. There is nothing wrong with us.
I know this because I’ve been there—fighting with my partner about sex instead of having it. Freezing at his touch and then wondering, “What’s wrong with me?” Acting like roommates instead of lovers. Worrying, “What happened to my sex drive?” as I shut down further as the months and years went by.
“Maybe it’s hormones,” I thought, as sex became less and less frequent and my partner and I grew more distant. Or maybe I was simply getting older. Perhaps long-term relationships weren’t as passionate as my fantasies. Or maybe it was just me.
Before I devoted myself to experiencing sexual fulfillment five years ago, I had come to the same conclusion many women do when sex isn’t working: There must be something wrong me. After all, he wanted sex. I didn’t—therefore, I must be the problem.
I felt unattractive, frustrated, and turned off. My sex drive went from insatiable to nonexistent. I had no idea why.
Now I do. Something was broken, but it wasn’t me. And it’s not you, either.
What was broken were my most fundamental ideas about sex, women, and fulfillment.
What I didn’t know then is that conventional sex as we know it isn’t sexually fulfilling for most women.
That’s right—it doesn’t work for us. Because it wasn’t designed to activate our unique mechanism of sexual enjoyment. I want everyone woman on the planet to understand this.
Countless women in long-term relationships report a loss of interest in sex over time. It’s so common in fact that it’s almost culturally expected. The inevitable end of the honeymoon phase, the jokes made about horny husbands and reluctant wives. We erroneously blame ourselves for this problem, when the real source of the problem is the sex we’re having.
Sex as we know it—the predictable, round-the-bases pursuit of intercourse that we’re taught in 7th grade and see depicted in porn and in movies—might check the box of “we had sex” on our mental to-do list, but it doesn’t turn us on, light us up, or make us ache for more. We aren’t eager for it, the way we are for vacation. Too often, we’re trying to get it over with so we can finally relax.
We might know in our heads that cookie-cutter, same-every-time sex isn’t truly satisfying—and I’m not just talking about orgasms. I’m talking about satisfying that longing we feel to be touched and loved deeply. I’m talking about the reason even after sex we often think, “There’s got to be more to it than what we just did.” We know that some important element of sex is missing—we just can’t quite put our finger on what it is.
Many of us don’t know how to talk about our sexual desires because we don’t even know how to describe them to ourselves. We continue having sex that same old way—and then blame ourselves for losing our turn-on.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with us. In fact, that we aren’t blown away by sex as we know it doesn’t mean our bodies are broken—it means we’ve got great taste and we want the best.
Conventional sex doesn’t turn us on, and it shouldn’t. To expect a perfunctory encounter to truly thrill us would be like eating junk food all day and expecting to feel strong and energized. Or more accurately, like eating a cardboard photo of a hamburger—and then wondering why our mouths aren’t watering.
Of course we’re not satisfied by conventional sex! We are women, not stereotypes. We want the real deal of sexual fulfillment.
And we can have it.
We want heart-pounding connection, sensual exploration, and wildly intimate adventure. We want to blush again. We want to feel excited about ourselves and in love with our partners. We want a richer and more complete experience of communion than what’s on the standard menu.
And we can have it.
We are born to feel the full spectrum of sexual sensation, leaving no stone unturned. We are a force of nature, like the churning tides of the ocean—gorgeous and terrifying. We don’t fit the cookie-cutter molds of stereotypes. We’re ready for something deeper and more real in our sex that has us drink from the well of true intimacy and self-knowledge, not settle for cheap drink in a paper cup.
Ladies, our disinterest in sex as we know it—our desire for something more—is a wonderful thing. It’s an asset, in fact. We no longer need to tolerate sex that doesn’t fulfill us. There’s another way to have sex—sex for your body. It’s time for us as women to lead the way to greater fulfillment, using our own bodies as our guide.
Our bodies are not broken. They are intelligent and they are calling to us. Listen. Honor what you hear. Advocate for women’s fulfillment by starting with yourself. Women’s voices have the unique ability to guide us all toward greater fulfillment, connection, and intimacy.
Author: Bez Stone
Editor: Callie Rushton