Three is my magical number.
I had three partners over the course of a year, having sex regularly, and I was over-the-moon sexually satisfied. These three partners offered both the amount of sex I wanted, as well as the variation
Honesty is vital to having more than one sexual partner, so I made certain that all three knew about each other. But they didn’t know each other.
Finding your ideal number of sexual partners isn’t easy in a culture so crazy about sex. In fact, it’s risky business. But there are ways to make it less risky and to experience extreme pleasure without moral compromise.
If we are going to share sexual pleasure with several partners, we are going to have to learn how to share.
Learning to share.
We all learned sharing when we were kids. “Let Johnny ride your bike,” we were told. “It’s Mary’s turn,” our parents or elders said when there were too many kids and too few swings at the park.
Now, as adults, we share. I am on the tail end of a flight from San Francisco to Auckland. From my seat, I watch people jockey for the lavatory. Most of them are overly polite, and all of them share, being careful not to cut in line.
But, whether it is our immaturity, uptightness, possessiveness or whatever, sex seems to be the exception to our willingness to share. Having another partner can lead to divorce, shouting, threats and give birth to the idea that our partner has been deceitful, or just plain sexually greedy, to even consider such a thing.
I got excited when I heard that there are other cultures where sexual sharing is not only allowed, but encouraged. I called my travel agent and asked her about such places. She is normally quite talkative, but she went silent.
I called my therapist and asked him what his thoughts were about multiple partners. “It’s good for business,” he said.
“Why is that?” I asked.
“Because people just aren’t mature enough to handle such things.”
“I’m going to figure out how to have people enjoy multiple partners.”
“Good luck,” he replied.
Are you ready?
For procreation, it makes sense to have just one partner. But, for recreation, maybe it is time to consider libido, love and sexual desire in determining how many people we kiss, touch and take long walks on the beach with.
The first step to considering multiple partners might be honestly answering the following question:
“Am I really prepared to emotionally, physically and sexually support more than one partner?”
The answer for most of us is “no.” Heck, we may not even be able to satisfy one lover. And I assure you that multiple lovers are a kind of sexual multi-tasking that just isn’t possible if you are prone to jealously, if you aren’t able to satisfy one lover or if you don’t love your own company.
Jealously burns in the immature mind. It inspires anger and betrayal instead of love.
It can ruin intimacy with one partner, two, three or more. It’s a poison based in insecurity.
Jealousy is seeing someone doing something we could be doing, but aren’t.
The cure for jealousy is often worse than the condition itself. The cure is to share what you don’t want to, to give when you imagine you have nothing to give and love when you hate.
A friend of mine was deeply in love with a young woman. But he was also possessive. Against all his inclinations, he invited his girlfriend to have sex with another man. She did so one Tuesday evening.
That night, he lay in bed sleepless, moaning, alternately terrified and angry. Finally, he curled up into a fetal position and cried himself to sleep. By the morning, he loved her more than ever. His jealousy died that night, and he was ready to share.
Satisfying one person.
Often, seeking another partner arises from not being satisfied at home. And, when that happens, it isn’t time for multiple partners, it is time to totally and completely take care of one partner. A second lover doesn’t make you a better lover—it makes you a busier lover.
It doesn’t make you a sexual machine either. It challenges you to open and give more of yourself with more people.
Loving your own company.
If you need another partner, you can’t have one. But, when you enjoy your own company so much that another partner is gravy or icing on the cake, then you are ready.
Get comfortable with yourself by spending time just with you. Take a walk, meditate, curl up in bed or take yourself to a movie. Any activity, and especially a total lack of activity, in your own company makes you less needy and more available.
There are a lot of penises and vaginas in the world. While it’s easy to imagine that having just one more will satisfy you, that is seldom the case. But, when you have dealt with jealousy, can sexually and emotionally satisfy a partner and love your own company, then multiple partners is an idea to explore.
Until then, live and love the dream of multiple partners, but act your dreams out with that special someone, having loads of hot sex, a grand partner and a fulfilling love.
Author: Jerry Stocking
Image: Max Pixel
Editor: Travis May