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April 25, 2017

I’ll Never have a Baby—but what I Got was Even Better.

When I got married, I thought our life together would be just like a dream. We would wed, have fun for a couple of years, and then expand our family to welcome a little one.

We certainly had our share of fun, but then reality took an unexpected turn.

A year into our marriage, my husband and I decided to take the plunge and plan our first baby. In an Indian family like ours, there are stringent rules around family life woven by society.

I married late (by my culture’s standards) at the age of 29. Societal pressure was already building on me. Relatives frequently inquired and gave unsolicited advice. I knew I was being looked down on for reaching my 30s without having a baby, so I succumbed to the pressure and put all my energy into getting pregnant.

Three years passed, and we still were not blessed with a baby. It was an incredibly tough time for my husband and me as a couple. Every year we were filled with hope, only to crash in disappointment with every passing month.

Three years of the red stains.

Three years of anxiety.

Three years of pain and tears.

I would cry for days feeling the void of childlessness in my life. I focused only on having a baby—I tried everything recommended to conceive and every scientific and spiritual suggestion I could find.

I tried manifestation techniques, medications, nutritional diets, exercise—everything. I stopped living my own life. Every day was devoted to “Mission Baby.”

Distracted by this single longing, motherhood, I didn’t realize that precious moments of my beautiful life were passing through my hands. Just like that, I had put a price tag on my happiness. And I was broke.

Even after the “best medication” the doctor could prescribe, I still couldn’t conceive. Soon I experienced back-to-back physical and emotional ailments. I was shattered and heartbroken. I refused to get up from my bed or do anything at all, wanting to remain in the dark, hiding from my infertility. I hit my own personal rock-bottom. It was the absolute worst phase of my life.

But then, something changed.

Brené Brown says, “You can’t get to courage without walking through vulnerability.” That is exactly what happened with me. One day, I snapped out of it, and from the pit, I decided enough was enough.

I knew I had to take the reigns of my life into my own hands. I experienced the call of awakening and decided to answer. The day I let go of my longing for a baby was the day when I really set myself free.

My life has never been the same since.

I took society’s label of “infertile” and transformed it into my own. I will never truly be infertile because now, I am “spirit fertile.” 

This is what “spirit fertility” has brought to my life:

>> My husband and I are closer than ever. Not having a baby has, ultimately, strengthened our bond. When we hold hands, we feel a deep connection knowing we are in each other’s care. When we say, “together forever,” we mean it.

>> I learned the art of letting go. When I was struggling for the baby, I always asked myself, “Why isn’t it happening when I am doing everything possible?” I was pushing the universe to give me a baby. I let go, and now life feels alive again.

>> I feel closer to God. I would never have chosen the path of a lightworker if my life was hunky-dory with a perfect little family. The absence of a so-called “perfect life” has led me to the path of healing others. I believe I experienced this pain so I could become sensitive to others’ feelings. I found my life’s true purpose.

>> I no longer let anything external define me. I refuse to let having or not having a child determine who I am in this world. I am a whole human being irrespective of what my family or society expects of me.

>> I lead a life filled with gratitude. I have stopped taking things for granted and, instead, am thankful for all life has blessed me with. I am thankful for my wonderful husband and family, I am thankful my body still works in full force, and I am thankful to be alive!

We do not come on this earth to do a 9-5 job we hate just to pay the bills. Each one of us has a life purpose assigned to us. My infertility made me realize my own. I am now a higher and better version of myself than I was three years ago.

My infertility became my biggest blessing! I could have led a normal life with kids and never have realized the bigger purpose I could serve in my life. Call me crazy, but I’m glad things turned out this way.

If you have experienced similar struggles, with infertility or with any other desire, I want you to answer this question truthfully. Have you stopped living your life for this one longing? If you answered yes, then you know what you have to do.

Don’t let your precious life slip away. Get up and get going! Your purpose awaits you.

I transformed my infertility into spirit fertility. How will you transform yourself?

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Author: Pradnya Vernekar
Image: Pixabay
Editor: Danielle Beutell

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