April 25, 2017

Two Things you Can Do if you are Dating a Narcissist.

Most articles we read about relationships with narcissists are focused on the narcissist and not the partner.

In fact, most of the of blame is also placed on the “narcissist.”

Let’s tweak this and use an example that is stereotypical: Man is the narcissist. Woman is dating him.

What I know from my own experience working with thousands of women in this dynamic is that women looking at this from the outside tend to blame both the man and the woman in this situation. Whereas men looking at this from the outside will typically blame the woman for dating a narcissist. So, women are getting blamed for this twice as much as men and twice as many women as men are doing the blaming. Interesting, right?

Regardless, if you are dating a narcissist, here are two simple steps to change the relationship dynamics:

1. Get the focus off him (or her) and onto yourself. Not to blame yourself, but to take responsibility for your situation and to do something about it. It can be tempting to try to figure him out, analyze, read article after article about them… But that does little to help you understand your part in this.

2. Once you stop focusing on him so damn much, and start looking in the mirror, you’ll want to take a long hard look at your self-worth. Let me explain:

In the beginning of this type of relationship, an insecure woman, stereotypically, who has low self-worth tends to be drawn to a man who has a great mask of power and authority.

This woman is drawn to a guy like this because he’s giving her a lot of attention and she’s not used to this. So to her, he comes across as confident. Her own confidence isn’t high, so this is attractive and gives a great boost to her self-esteem—to have a man like this interested in her. She feels special and desired and this feels really good.

But, soon enough, this man can’t deliver and begins to pull away due to his own unconscious terror of intimacy. She gets insecure and takes it personally. Deep down, he’s even more insecure than she is, but has worn a mask his entire life as a strategy to protect against his deep feeling of worthlessness and inadequacy. Believe it or not, he feels deeply inept underneath his confident exterior.

So, the only way for this woman to get out of this dynamic is to learn how to value and empower herself. That’s also what couples therapists, Jeff Pincus and Rachel Cahn, say in this podcast interview.

If you are this woman or know someone like this, I’m offering a free training on how to deal with this type of push/pull dynamic.

If you want to leave a guy like this or want to get his heart back, it should be helpful.




Author: Jayson Gaddis
Image: Sweet and Lowdown (1999)
Editor: Khara-Jade Warren



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Ai-Ling Logan Apr 29, 2017 3:56pm

I am curtrently dealing with this, i think. I a, there type that hass enough initial strenghth to wage this war for decades, amd I am starting to get very angry to the point of indignant rage myself necauyse I am loy just starting to suspect thast I will never be able to look to him to be my strength an d help me fill my needs sdo that I can continue to fill his. I can deal wiyjshouldering the bulk of the burden, but I cannot handle ALL of it. There are sdome cycles of abuse which don't end with the victims suicide or murder, but rather the murder of the abuser when the victim finally realizes they have been strung along with empty promises for sio long, and actually confronts the abuser with the fact that they will no longer bwe tolerated or taken without atonement, and then, remoresele, unrepentanty they do it again and the victim then murders them

Melina Powers Apr 26, 2017 4:01am


Jayson Gaddis Apr 26, 2017 1:35am

Listen to the podcast interview I did with Jeff and Rachel (the link is above).

Liv Indie Hamilton Apr 25, 2017 7:31pm

Absolutely Melissa! They do love drama and love to say they hate drama and make out like you are starting it, even when you learn to become very passive and avoid conflict wherever possible due to their rage. So much twisting and turning ... it's really safer to get out than try get them to improve their relational skills. They will never truly be a part of the relationship. So no point investing time and effort trying to make a relationship with a Narc succeed. It ain't gonna get better take our word for it ladies ;)

Melissa Sullivan Apr 25, 2017 7:16pm

I agree with Indie Liv's comments. Narcissist have the ability to quickly assess what type of person you want in your life and then they "become it". They also seek out a partner that is attractive or qualities they deem others to admire. You are essentially an extension of them. I over heard my narc say to someone else, we are a beautiful power couple. Upon hearing this my gut sank and i thought, who describes their relationship like that? Yuck. Being a confident self made gal that knows what it feels like to really be in love with a great guy, I got out quick. My advise: 1) Recognize you are dating someone that has misrepresented themselves to you. Their actions over time will show you great inconsistencies with who they say they are, what they do for a living and what motivates them. Do you want to be with a liar? 2) Ask yourself is it normal for someone to claim their adoration of you and "be in love with you" in less than 3 months? I know I'm a great catch, but when someone tells me in less than 1 month they want to marry me....the red flag flies. Whatever period of time it is, its typically too, much too fast and therefore you haven't even had time to cultivate those same feelings. Remember they are not who they say they are, so what you are feeling is not a deep connection. It will feel somewhat hollow and you will have this gut instinct that you really don't know this person. 3) Don't you deserve someone that gives and takes equally? Over time you will become their minion. An object that is meant for adoring "them" and when you are not adoring them, they will be cultivating other adoring "fans". Lining up their future other victims to worship and admire them. After telling me he was madly in love with me and wanted to get married, 1 week late he was telling me about other women that "admired" or wished they had him. My thought...hmm, a grown gentleman would keep that to himself. The narc, he craved drama and was hoping I'd agree that he was "such a good catch".. Nope. Within 1 week of breaking up with him he was posting pics on FB with this very same girl he "claimed" was pursuing him. Good ridance to bad rubbish!

Liv Indie Hamilton Apr 25, 2017 6:47pm

You have no idea about Narcissitic Personality Disorder clearly Jayson. They go for prey that is confident and secure in themselves coz they life to destroy and make a person feel the brokenness they feel inside themselves. Thy are vampires and the suck the life out of their prey slowly and methodically. The first few months they wear that mask very securely and they love bomb the partner ... and they are the perfect boyfriend in that the read everything into this partner and see exactly what makes her / him tick ... and then feeds into that so we think he's the perfect guy for us, he promises the world, makes you feel like he's your soul mate coz there's so much in common, (bt this is due to him learning every little thing he can and mimicking that about the partner), he pushes the relationship up to high speed so you don't even know what is happening until it's too late, and he's moved in and starts taking over and then the mask falls off. The rages start when you call him out on abusive or lazy or entitled behaviour, or cheating or lying or overtly flirting, usually there's a porn or Sex addiction With NPD's as well. And when you call them on any of it they start the crazy making and the gas lighting, and make you Question your own reality. These are not just self centred people, these are emotional, physical and financial vampires. They destroy everything in you and around you and then once everything is devastated he moves on to his next target. The manipulation is rife and something you am never explain unless you live in it. To me it is a level of evil personified. They don't even care to destroy children, even their own. Just to try feel Some level of alive coz they don't have that in them and have to get it from others. If you're dating a narcissist, the only option is to get out and go no contact, get a restraining order if you have to. They will destroy wverhunt. And it takes years of back and forth before you find the strength to get away from them, because thythey destroy your self worth into smithereens. And for them the most confident secure person is the best piece of meat for them. The harder the challenge the more rewarding it is for them. If they can bring a successful comfiednet and secure person down to the ground and destroy them and make them lose everything they have built up then what better prize for their ego.., which is all they are made of ego, no heart no soul. Just self absorbed ego. I have been through hell with the Narc in my life, and he somehow blames everythjbg on me . My black eye was my fault. He even lied to th cops and said I fell on his elbow. REALLY!? I fell on his elbow! The doors that he smashed down to get to me to strangle me were my fault I triggered him by going to the bthroom to get safety. Then he went for a run with his friends and out to dinner, while I cleaned up the broken glass. Listen this is just the tip of the iceberg what I'm mentioning. But please don't ever try imply that Narcs go for ladies with low self worth. I was a highly successful VP of the Southern Hemisphere of the globe for a huge international ad network. I am a natural beauty no need for make up or gym, I am a yogi and meditate, I am a single mom of a beautiful son, I own horses and dogs and My own home on the beach. I lost almost everything due to this narc destroying my self worth bit by bit day by day. Telling me I don't deserve anything More than him coz I have a son. And coz I am psycho and my face isn't perfectlu symmetrical and I'm in my late thirties. And I'm too skinny and On and on and on until you start questioning it. And then start believing it. It's manipulation and gas lighting and brainwashing . While they just sit around and feel entitled to everything you have built up. While he doesn't work and watches porn and plays video games all day. Pls understand narcs go for successful strong woman. We are prime meat. This is a serious personality disorder and it creates murderers out of them and suicides out of their victims (figuratively and literally). This is not a small scenario of a self absorbed asshole. A personality disorder is not to be made light of. And don't ever blame the victim for these disordered peoples behaviour.

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Jayson Gaddis

Jayson Gaddis, founder of The Relationship School®
, and host of The Smart Couple Podcast , is on a mission to teach people the one class they didn’t get in school–”How to do intimate relationships.” He was emotionally constipated for years before relationship failure forced him to master relationships. In 2007 he stopped running away from intimacy, asked his wife to marry him and now they have two beautiful kids. When he doesn’t live and breathe this stuff with his family, he pretty much gets his ass handed to him. You can find him here: Jayson Gaddis or sign up for a free training here if you are dealing with an emotionally unavailable man like Jayson used to be. You can also become a fan on Facebook here: Jayson Gaddis Fan Page.