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June 16, 2017

The Best (Worst) Dad Jokes for Father’s Day.


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Barack Obama endeared himself
to many Americans through his bromance with Vice President Joe Biden: lover of ice cream with dad jokes so cringingly not funny that we can’t help but laugh.

While the tiny-handed-would-be emperor tweets his displeasure with celebrities (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Meryl Streep, the Hamilton cast, SNL, Alec Baldwin, Stephen Colbert) while accepting praise for his new, remarkable wardrobe, many of us have garnered nostalgia for the good ol’ days when Obama conducted himself with class and grace…and the occasional awful dad joke.

Every Thanksgiving, the annual turkey pardoning at the White House would be held, and with it came a “corny-copia” of just plain terrible dad jokes that were sure to get an eye-roll or at least a hearty chuckle.

Here are a few of the best:

“Actually, Sasha and Malia just couldn’t take my jokes anymore. They were fed up.”

“What I haven’t told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I’m cutting this habit cold turkey.”

“When someone at your table tells you that you’ve been hogging all the side dishes, you can’t have anymore, I hope you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of the hungry people: Yes we…cran.”

“We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except for the turkeys, because they’re already stuffed.”

“The non-pardoned turkeys met their fate with courage and sacrifice—and proved that they weren’t chicken.”

“It’s hard to believe that this is my seventh year of pardoning a turkey. Time flies even if turkeys don’t.”

“And so let’s get on with the pardoning. Because it’s Wednesday afternoon, and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a fowl mood.”

In honor of Father’s Day, here are a few more dad jokes worthy of the former-President himself. Use them with humor, because using them wisely might mean not at all. Enjoy!

“What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.”

“How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.”

“Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.”

“I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.”

“What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.”

“What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.”

“What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.”

“This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.”

“I’d like to give a big shout out to all the sidewalks…for keeping me off the streets.”

“Can February March? No, but April May.”

“How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.”

“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.”

“What kind of shoes does a thief wear? Sneakers.”

“What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing. It just waved.”

“I gave all my dead batteries away today. Free of charge.”

“What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.”

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”

“I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.”

“What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.”

Dad jokes are the worst. They’re corny, over-the-top, and as goofy as it gets. But they come from a place of love, and the kind of man humor likely to earn a guffaw from the guys and a smirk from the ladies.

On Father’s Day in particular, let’s celebrate our dads, awful jokes and all.
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Author: Crystal Jackson
Image: Wikimedia Commons
Editor: Danielle Beutell
Supervising Editor 1: Taia Butler

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