If you don’t know how to love yourself, then you’ll never be able to teach another how it’s done.
I think that it’s important to end the stigma and secrecy of masturbation—we all do it, and if you don’t, then maybe you should start.
My daughters are still young—but I look at them and can already see a difference in their individual sexuality imprints and how that might translate into the types of lives they’ll end up leading.
Part of me hopes that they will keep their bodies sacred and special for the partners who truly deserve them, but I also know that hormones are crazy things that can lead us to places (and partners) that we never expected.
What I’m starting to believe is that how they love (and touch) themselves will directly correlate to how they expect their partner to do that for them.
I want them to enjoy every aspect of their bodies—their long legs, the thickness of their thighs, the stomach rolls that appear when they hunch over, and also the tingling of budding sexuality they will soon begin to feel.
I never want them to feel sexually repressed or guilty if they become wet from watching a steamy movie scene, or if they become distracted in class because they’re thinking of the boy two rows up and how his touch might feel.
Anyone who isn’t enjoying sex isn’t fully enjoying life—and being the mother I am, I want them to enjoy as much as they can.
It’s funny how we all have these bodies, and we all crave sex, but we don’t actually talk about pleasuring ourselves. It’s as if it’s a secret we can’t let out. Part of owning who we are means also being comfortable with the bodies we were born into, and that means learning how to touch ourselves so we can feel pleasure.
If women aren’t pleasuring themselves—or not engaging in sex—a separation occurs between their physicality and their essence. Women are goddesses, which means that we harness an enormous amount of energy in our hips or sacral chakra region. We are supposed to be full and radiate our undulating sexuality—not for anyone else, but because we are at home in our bodies.
If we neglect our own sexuality, or look at it as demeaning or immoral, then that will translate into how we feel about ourselves in general, including affecting our levels of self-esteem and acceptance. Loving who we are means loving every single part of ourselves, including the pleasure we are capable of.
So, I want my daughters to masturbate—and when they get to a certain age, I also wouldn’t be opposed to purchasing them each a vibrator as well. We don’t need to have demonstrations, but I want them to know that it’s a normal thing, and that it’s okay to touch and explore their bodies.
I want them to be proud of themselves and the power that comes from being a woman in touch with her sexuality. The issue is that there’s often a lack of connection between our sexual self and our mental (and/or emotional) self that leads us to disconnect with partners during the act of sex, or leads us to use sex for other reasons.
Sometimes sex is about trying to heal emotional or mental wounds—the ones we don’t want to acknowledge or deal with. So we use it to block what’s at the core of what we are feeling. At other times, perhaps we haven’t given ourselves the self-love we need to fill ourselves up—and so, we constantly need a partner to show us that we are worthy and loved, because we can’t do it for ourselves.
The thing that I think people underestimate is the important role sex plays in our lives.
It’s not just about climaxing and penetration; it’s about the energy and the level of awareness that comes from being at home in our bodies. If we haven’t taken the time to explore ourselves and the different types of touch we like, then there won’t be any way to direct our lover to what we like.
But there’s still more to it than that.
I’ve spoken with many women who have a hard time climaxing; they often have a hard time reaching orgasm with just clitoral stimulation, and they often never get there with just penetration.
The root of these sexual issues is that they haven’t taken the time to learn how to let go. And if we can’t let go of control with ourselves—and let our bodies climax by our own touch—then we won’t be able to do that with a partner either.
I want my daughters to love their bodies, and I want them to make healthy choices. I also believe that if they masturbate, they’ll be less likely to just let some boy get free reign, because they will have a better handle on their own sexual desires and feelings.
What it truly comes down to is that I don’t want them to think that sex is the only way they can have those feelings of orgasm, because then they are more apt to engage with partners at a younger age, which can result in detriment to their overall well-being and development.
Women who engage and love sex also feel better about their bodies, and this doesn’t just apply to those who are skinny and throwing their heads back in moans of pleasure in porno films. This is about the confidence that comes from realizing what we are capable of—and that our sexiness does not rest in the size of our clothing, the number on the scale, or how many likes we get on Instagram.
It’s about how we feel about ourselves.
The most important relationship we will ever have is the one with ourselves—and that includes our sexuality, which is why it’s important that we know how to pleasure ourselves and what kind of touch we like.
No one can teach us about our own bodies but ourselves.