There is a major truth bomb that I feel it is my duty as a transformational coach to drop on y’all.
I’m talking about a truth bomb that, if you let it, can totally re-wire your life.
Ready for it?
The truth is that you have never, ever, ever been upset for the reason you think.
We think we get upset because of what happened.
Because we got broken up with, were embarrassed, lost our job, got stood up, failed, got let down or rejected, or lost something or someone close to us.
When did all that stuff happen? In the past.
And where is the past?
If you said it’s behind you, or in your head, or in your memory, or in your cells, then I challenge you to locate it.
Turn around. Is it there?
Google “memory cells under a microscope” and look. Do you see the past in there?
I’m willing to bet on all things holy and good that you were unable to locate the past.
And that’s because it doesn’t exist.
The only time the past exists is when you speak about it, because you are creating it with your words. That’s the only place it exists—in your words.
You re-write your memories every time you think or talk about them.
There is no past. You create the illusion of the past every time you bring it up.
So if the past doesn’t exist, then it can’t be what is making you upset.
You can’t have a reaction to something that doesn’t exist.
So if it’s not the past, then is it the present that is upsetting us?
Nope, wrong again!
We are never upset because of what is happening now. (We are not talking about physical pain here. We are talking about being upset, or suffering, which is the mind’s resistance to reality. Pain and suffering are not the same. Pain can exist without suffering.)
It only takes a second to get rejected, be embarrassed, receive bad news, or realize you’ve failed.
In that moment, our bodies have a visceral reaction to this new information. Essentially, our bodies go into fight or flight mode.
Just like a chemical bond releases heat when it is broken, the body gives off energy when our expectations are broken. This discharge of energy can be intense, but it does not take long if allowed to complete itself.
If we could shut off our minds and just watch our bodies reaction to this new information, the process would last only a few moments before the nervous system would return to a pre-threat level of functioning.
Even if you’re at so called “rock bottom”—jobless, broke, friendless, uncertain about your future—if you took a moment to meditate, you would realize that there’s actually nothing wrong. That still, all that’s happening is all that has ever been happening in the universe—energy is moving.
Even in the worst case scenario, you still have the power to simply witness your experience, watching the sensations arise in your body without judgement.
So if the apparent source of the upset always only lasts a moment, then why do we tend to stay upset a lot longer than that?
The truth is, we stay upset because of what we think is going to happen.
We aren’t upset because of what happened, but rather because of what we believe that event means about what is possible for our future.
The way we feel in the present is always a function of the future we are imagining for ourselves, which we think is dictated by the past—but it isn’t.
We’re not actually upset because we got broken up with, we are upset because we think that means that we are going to be dissatisfied and/or unloved forever.
We’re not actually upset because we got fired from our job, we are upset because we think that means that we are going to be ostracized and be seen as a failure.
We’re not actually upset because our friend cancelled plans on us, we’re upset because we think that means that they don’t care that much about us and that we’re going to be alone.
We can deal with absolutely anything in the present moment. The actual sensate experience of, say, loss or loneliness, is just a dance of energy.
What upsets us is our how our mind extrapolates, projecting (and therefore creating) a nonexistent, drawn out future that we are sentencing ourselves to.
If we really look at it, every time we have ever been upset has been because of a false projection onto the future.
Because we think that because of what happened, the future is going to be undesirable.
The good news is that just like the past doesn’t exist until we create it through our thinking or speaking, the future doesn’t exist either!
The future is the realm of endless possibilities.
There are no constraints on what is possible for the future except those we impose on ourselves with our minds.
Even if you just went through your 100th break up, that does not mean that relationships will fail in the future.
Think about it this way: if you flip a coin, what’s the probability that it will land heads up? Obviously it’s 50 percent.
But let’s say that you’ve flipped a coin 50 times and it’s landed heads up every single time.
What’s the probability that it will land heads up the next time?
It seems like what happened in the past will effect what’s going to happen, but it doesn’t!
The future probability is still 50%. Even if it’s landed heads up one million times in a row, there is still a 50 percent chance of landing heads up the next time you flip it.
It is an utter illusion that the past has anythingggggg to do with what is possible for the future.
So in reality, there is never any reason to be upset!
No matter what has happened to us, we never have to resign ourselves to a life of loneliness or dissatisfaction or insecurity or shame. Not even for a second.
We can use being upset as a reminder to create our future.
Each time we catch ourselves being upset, we can relate to that like an alarm clock going off, reminding us to get out of reactive mode and into creative mode.
Being upset is simply a reminder to create a future we love.