10 Tips for Moving Out of the Friend Zone.

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With all of the other talents I have honed over my adult life, getting myself out from deep inside the friend zone and into the heart of my intended is right up there next to my ability to face adversity with courage.

I mean when you really sit down and think about it, what is the friend zone if it isn’t adversity?

A few years back, I wrote a song trying to win someone’s heart. It was called “Cold October Night,” and it was inspired. It even received airplay on a couple of local radio stations. The first line of the song was, “I realize you don’t want me, but I bet that I can make that change…”

The song worked, too. She and I went on to have two children not too long after I recorded it. That should indicate something about my relationship to persistence.

It’s a Darwinistic jungle out there and if you want to compete against the guys who are 6’ 2” and the ones who have money and power, you better find what you can do and do it really well.

The following is a list of tips for anyone with the heart and the dedication to get themselves out of the friend zone and into dating status:

Accept reality

You are in the friend zone because you most likely packed up your own psychic U-haul and moved there all by yourself. The good news is that since you are the one who put yourself there, you are solely responsible for getting yourself out.

Don’t be defeatist

God help you if you are one of those people who write these “poor me” posts on Facebook. That is a surefire way to do irreparable damage. Keep that stuff to yourself. In fact, strike that. Get rid of it altogether. You are worthy and you are going to do this as long as you adopt that unstoppable mindset.

Stop being so available

This is key. If you text and DM and “like” statuses and comment every day, it’s never going to work. Make yourself scarce. In fact, get involved in something interesting and do it without telling the object of affection. They’ll find out on her own and it will be all the better. In fact:

Get a life

If you become truly engaged in something compelling and important, you will be a lot less available and a lot more interesting. The bigger the better too! Start a podcast, get a life coach, write a book, write for Elephant Journal. Any of these will work. If you can manage to pull off all four, things will happen a lot quicker. If that seems overwhelming, choose one of these options and allow it to consume you.

Do not worship anyone

Nobody likes being put on a pedestal—at least not that early. If you’ve ever noticed, when a man has been married to a woman for years and he fawns over her and glorifies her, it’s kind of cute. There’s no pressure there because after a few years she will be comfortable with the fact that it’s coming from a genuine place. Early on, it smacks of naiveté and the optics are awful.

Don’t allow yourself to be used

It’s always nice to help people out when they’re in a jam—unfortunately, as a guy placed in that tricky dynamic, if you are ponying up money to help her pay her phone bill or sending pizzas to his house while you are at work busting your butt to pay for said pizza, the friend zone is where you will stay.

Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve

Don’t profess your love. If you are in the friend zone, this person already knows that you are in love with her. In fact, that is most likely why you are there. The harder you push, the further you’ll get from where you’re trying to go. Which takes me very neatly to:

Chill

If you are in the friend zone, chances are there is something about your vibe that is scaring the hell out of this person. And you can’t fake the vibes you are giving off. To clarify, you can’t be a bundle of nerves and pretend you’re taking the world in stride. To give off that chill vibe, you must be ensconced in that chill vibe. Get the point?

Date other people

You don’t necessarily have to start a relationship with anyone in particular, but some casual dating will not hurt your cause one little bit. Not only that, but it will help you in a few more areas I have mentioned already. You won’t seem quite as available and it will seem as if you might be getting a life. Look at it as the win-win it truly is…and enjoy yourself.

Know exactly when to move your queen

I’m using chess parlance, but essentially if you’ve followed all of the other steps with savvy, there will be a perfect time to head to the studio to record that song that will deliver the coup de grace. Or, to write that poem. Or, whatever you do when you do that thing you do.

If all of this seems complicated, look at it as a good thing. If you want a relationship with someone who has friend-zoned you, you probably want it bad enough to do some heavy lifting.

I firmly believe that the harder we have to work to get a thing to happen, the more we will cherish it and continue to work on it when it gets tough—which all relationships invariably do.

author: Billy Manas

Image: When Harry met Sally/YouTube

Editor: Lieselle Davidson

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Billy Manas

Billy Manas is a poet, singer-songwriter, and truck driver from the Hudson Valley in New York, where you can catch his act at wine tastings and breweries. His distinct voice in both song and poetry is likely the result of his degree in literature and his teenage years spent outside of CBGB’s on the Lower East Side of Manhattan. Catch up with Billy on his website.

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David Starlyte Oct 17, 2018 1:01am

Enjoyable read, I would like to know a bit more in terms of practical examples and the psychology that helped your implement this approach. I had a friend who somehow evolved into more. I think the energy just built between us as we spent more and more time together, so it was maybe more complicated. I had another scenario where I played hard to get, and she pursued me, yet I ended up being friend-zoned. I reckon because she was seeing someone else, and I was super-understanding and supportive (weak!) haha! These would have been helpful tools to apply! Thank you!

Jennifer Evangelista Oct 10, 2018 1:32am

Thanks Billy...and I always like to see your writing. It gives me a different perspective and much to think and to reflect about. To Marilyn's comment- I've been with people who didn't seem like they had a life of their and presently could be perceived as that as well. When I was with those people I didn't consider that they had nothing to contribute because they didn't do their own thing.Everyone, in my opinion, brings something to s relationship by virtue of them being themselves. Them having or not having outside lives doesn't erase the intangible things that they can offer in an union, like support, companionship, interesting conversation. My present situation is interesting because my partner has made it known that he prefers that we do everything together which can pose challenges to developing a life outside of the relationship. While ideally in a union, each has their own thing and then you have the relationship, not all situations live up to that and I'm not sure if they need to. I think people can define things the way they want to, don't you?

Marilyn Regan Oct 9, 2018 9:22pm

Good one, Billy. The 'play hard to get' game evidently works for guys as well as girls. You're right, no one likes it, well most people don't, when someone is fawning over them. And if you don't look like you have a life of your own, then what do you have to contribute to a relationship? Still, isn't there a time when games cease and you can just be yourself? Probably not...and I'm not very good at playing games. Honesty may or may not work and putting it off delays the end of dance, but I suppose it's the quality of the dance as well. Thanks for sharing...great read!

Billy Manas Oct 8, 2018 11:59pm

And I always smile when I see your comments. Thank YOU, Jennifer.

Jennifer Evangelista Oct 8, 2018 5:15pm

Interesting. What if those techniques do not line up at with a person's "true" self? I have had the bad habit of wearing my heart on my sleeve too early but I've always considered those things that I disclose as just things that describe me and a bit of sharing how I became who I am today. To me, it's up to the person to pay attention if they're going to really get to know me as a person. Silly things like what makes me smile, laugh, what touches my heart. I've always been a fan of following your heart and doing what comes naturally in spite of the messes that can occur. Perhaps getting out of a friend zone is just telling the person and showing them that you want to take it to the next level (like you did with writing that song). There are no easy answers in matters of love. That's why it can simultaneously be incredible and painful. Always love to see you writing- thank you!