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2.6
November 27, 2018

Enjoying Swimming Lessons – my Son’s Long Journey

Overcoming the fear of something new, the fear of water, the fear of letting go is a process that cannot be rushed, but the satisfaction of a happy kid proud of himself sure makes the efforts worth it.

“I can’t wait to go swimming!” my son happily announces as he skips along on our way to the pool.

But it wasn’t always like this. Our journey began 10 months ago when we decided to introduce our son to swimming lessons, as he absolutely loved being in water.

He was 5 and a half years old at the time and the instructor’s advice was for him to go twice a week to lessons.

We previously went together as a family to the seaside and to swimming pools on many occasions. He just loved to swim from one side of the pool to the other feeling safe in his very small swim belt. Therefore, swimming lessons seemed to make sense.

When we told him about getting in the pool without us, with an instructor and other kids he was not happy at all. He’s always been shy, very reluctant to try new potentially dangerous things and even at preschool he still had tears in his eyes in the morning when he had to let go of my hand. And by dangerous things I mean riding his cousin’s bike – a bicycle that was very similar to his, with the notable difference that the seat was adjusted a tiny bit higher than his.

With many words of reassurance and reminders of how much he loved to play in the pool we went to the first lesson and entrusted him to the most kind and patient instructor. Nevertheless, there was lots of crying and even screaming for my name when he was in the pool. Theatrics aside, I know my son and he was genuinely unhappy to be left alone with a stranger in an unfamiliar place.

On top of the emotional distress, there was another factor that really scared him: the fact that he could not touch the bottom of the pool as it was 110 cm (43 inches) deep. That was his exact height at the time, but his nose was definitely under the water.

This routine went on for a month as I really trusted the instructors and I knew it will take time for my son to get used to the new routine. I kept thinking about the growth mindset and telling him not to worry about not being able to let go of the couch’s arm yet and that he will surely find the courage next time.

There was small progress, such as him in the pool holding onto the side and sliding along or sitting with just his legs in the water, splashing around and looking at the older kids swimming. But the crying at the beginning of the lesson went on, as well as him not finding the courage to let go of the trainer’s arm. The complaints continued at home where he would tell me that he hated going to swimming lessons and that he does not want to go anymore.

Another huge fear of his turned out to be putting his head in the water. Of course, he had his swimming goggles and cap on, but he did not care. No matter how kindly the instructor tried to show him that it was ok, he completely refused. Just to be clear, nobody was forcing him to put his head in the water, it wasn’t something crucial at that stage, the attempts were gradual and over time. The other kids were demonstrating the move and everybody was extremely friendly. I was up there, watching everything, behind the glass door.

When the month ended we had to decide: should we continue or not? Me and my husband are not quitters, we want to teach our son the principles of perseverance and not giving up easily. However, on the other hand, how much is too much? I do not want to be that kind of parent that pushes a child too far, against his or her will and turns something that could be a source of happiness into a chore or even a torture. My husband was leaning toward going on, in the hope that this would tough him up and the boy would finally get used to it. I was afraid that he would eventually hate swimming and water altogether if we push too much.

And so, I entered research mode, I read articles from parenting blogs, articles written by swimming instructors, testimonies of other parents and whatever studies I found on the subject.

I also found truly helpful for our particular situation Carol S. Dweck’s book, “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success”.

After careful consideration and based on the advice of professionals, we decided to take a brake for a month and then give it another shot. This was correlated with some travel so it did not seem much like quitting.

Fast-forward one month later, we return to the pool and I keep telling my son that he can do it, that he can totally trust his instructors and that nobody forces him to put his head in the water. We see some progress, the crying turned to just complaining about going to lessons and he was participating in some of the activities – the ones that did not involve letting go of the pool edge or of the instructor’s arm and the ones that did not involve submerging his head in water.

However, yet another month later, it was clear to me that it was impossible for him to get past the fact that he could not touch the bottom of the pool. Actually, some pools only accept children who are above a certain height for this exact reason. After many questions and pondering I managed to single out this psychological obstacle that he could just not overcome at that moment.  It wasn’t his shyness, it wasn’t even his fear of having his head under water. The fact that he could not feel the bottom of the pool scared him too much and he could not focus, he could not feel safe in order to be able to follow the instructions and make some real progress.

Also, the fact that he did not feel good about going to swimming lessons after two (not consecutive) months despite loving water and having a great time swimming around the pool with a swim belt was not quite ok.

It was time for another break and I started looking for swimming lessons in a pool with shallow water. Some more travel followed and by the time we finally found the perfect place our son was almost 6. He was a bit scared of going to a new place and meeting new people but otherwise quite eager to go into the water. The instructors were just as friendly and patient as the previous ones, but this time around he could touch the bottom of the pool, which made him feel safe. Now he could enjoy every minute in the water and follow all the instructions.

Being happy and open, he was eager to learn and the progress was fast. In a month he was the only kid from his group moved to the next level (advanced juniors).

Now he was the happiest kid in his class, the one with a smile on his face the whole time.

The struggle was not quite over though, as another milestone needed to be conquered: being able to submerge his head underwater became necessary in the learning process. The efforts of convincing him to do this begun when he was still in the beginner’s group, very gently and with no pressure, with the instructor and other students demonstrating the move. He was doing everything else perfectly: the front and back horizontal swimming position, the kicking and propulsion but he could not be convinced to put his little face in the water.

We got involved at home as well, ease him into the idea and telling him that even though he cannot do it YET, he will find the courage soon for sure. At the beginning he kept saying that he will NEVER be able to do it, but after a while and some pondering he decided that he will probably do it when he will be 7 years old.

However, being in the next group he had to master breath control in order to learn the more advanced moves. At one point, his father even demonstrated the whole thing by holding his breath, submerging his head in a large bowl of water and blowing bubbles through his nose. The kid seemed to like this and the next lesson he actually did it and oh boy! Now he was unstoppable, head in water half the time, practicing the move and giggling.

In our particular case, perseverance, patience and trying new approaches when hitting a dead end worked. It was not an easy journey, it lasted quite some time but a valuable lesson was learned: now we know not to give up.

Two months ago, it was our son’s first day of school. We met our son’s reluctance and resistance with new eyes and confidence that soon enough he will overcome his fear of unknown and adjust to the new setting and so he did.

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