How to Stop Spewing your Past all Over your Present. 

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Warning: naughty language ahead!

~

An old lover of mine recently posted on social media:

“You’re going to date a few cowards before you meet someone brave enough to love you.”

My initial response: What a fucker.
My sarcastic response: Jeez, thanks.
My annoyed response: But wait…I thought you didn’t believe in love?
My snarky response: Shit…she must be brave to love you.
My snarkier response: Mirror mirror.

My “take the higher ground” response: I’m so glad you’ve found someone to love you. We all deserve that. (Followed by the gag reflex.)
My “holier than thou” response: Well, sounds like you’ve done your work and are now ready to receive love. (You fucker.)

And then, I wrote.

I spewed onto the page instead of spewing all over him and his oh so kind post, full of interesting points of view—and this is what emerged:

That thing that you’ve wanted to say,
To let loose and just say it,
Yet you catch yourself…

You hold back.
“It’s not nice,” you tell yourself.
(And lord knows how many times your mama told you, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”)

You judge yourself: “I shouldn’t feel/think/react that way.”

You judge yourself some more: “That’s a shitty thing to say/think/feel. I should take the high ground here.”

You judge yourself even more: “This shouldn’t bother me so much.”

So you tuck that thing you really want to spit out—splurt out, roar out—and you press it down a little bit more, a little bit more, a little bit more.

Until one day, you just can’t take it anymore. All of those pressed down, unspoken words and energies that have compressed and compacted into themselves so much that it takes a lot of energy to blast them out, well—you blast them out and they get spewed all over the place.

And you vomit all over
The barista
Or the barber
Or the child
Or the dog
Or the bartender
Or your date
Or your dad,
Who just happen to be the straw
That broke the camel’s back.

It all comes out of you in a fit of rage,
Fury,
Unabashed,
Uninhibited.

Raaarrrrrr, fuuucccckkkkk yooouuuu!

You let it out
And it feels so fucking good;
So fucking good.

Until it’s out
And you realize

You just vomited all over some innocent person who is only guilty of being in that place at that moment, reminding you of all the past moments where you didn’t speak up and share what was moving through you.

And oh fuck,
There is vomit
Made up of all of those
Past
Unspoken
Words and energies
Spewed all over your
Present.

And as you stand there
Seeing it all laid out before you,
Stinky and smelly and rotting and fermenting,

You notice
A lightness in your body,
A softness in your belly,
A quiet in your head,
A thumping in your heart.

And rather than feeling ashamed,
Rather than running away,
You face this innocent person
Covered with your past spew
And give humble thanks
And apologies.

“Thank you so much for being the one to trigger that outburst. Thank you for being the one I finally felt able to express all of this to.

I am so sorry to put all of this out on you. I know it’s not really you—none of this is really you. Maybe like, .0005 percent of this is you. But really, it’s all me. It’s all the stuff I have held back for a long time. It’s all the stuff I haven’t been willing to say.

I’m really sorry I’ve made a mess out of the present moment with you. Yet I’d like to clean it up, if you’ll let me. Cause now that I’ve gotten all of this out of me, I can actually see it more clearly, clean it up more completely, and after that, I can move on more fully as me, without that huge weight decaying inside of me anymore.”

After the clean up,
After repairing
The damage done
With this other person

You repair
The damage done
With yourself

Or perhaps
That comes first.

You look yourself in the mirror
And honor yourself for letting it all come out;
It wasn’t pretty,
It wasn’t grace in action
But it was a great release,
And now that it is all out,
You commit to yourself
That from this moment forward,
No more tucking inside what you wish to say,
No more pressing and compacting and denying
What it is that’s bubbling up inside of you.

You commit to yourself
That from this moment forward,
You’ll let yourself
Speak whatever comes through
Or you’ll write it down
Write it out.

You’ll move it out of you.

You see how
So much of the baggage
You’ve been carrying around
Is all this stuff
—the unspoken—
Yet when you let it out,
When you write it out,
When you stop suppressing it
So much more of you
Becomes available.

You can write it all in a letter
(That you never send)
To all the people
You wish you had spoken it to.

You can write it
In your journal
And tear up the pages,
Burn ‘em in a fire.

You can write it
And share it
And have it published.

The key thing
Is to speak it,
Write it,
Move it,
So you don’t
Spew it.

~

author: Megan Walrod

Image: Quote Catalog/Flickr

Editor: Nicole Cameron

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Megan Walrod

Megan Walrod, founder of Live Your Yes, LLC, is a number one bestselling author, copywriter, and business coach. Over the past decade, she has helped hundreds of female entrepreneurs build profitable and purposeful businesses. Megan encourages her clients to “Live Your Yes,” knowing that when we live an inspired life, we are more magnetic and create greater success for everyone. She recently returned from Uganda where she was “living her yes” for six months. Now she’s cowriting a book with the nonprofit she volunteered with and the girls they support, called We Have Something To Say: True Stories from Adolescent Girls Growing Up in the Slums of Kampala. Follow Megan on Facebook.

 

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mary Nov 30, 2018 4:18pm

Love, love, love this! Brilliant!! Thank you.

ptelan1 Nov 30, 2018 12:06pm

Love this!

    Megan Walrod Nov 30, 2018 2:58pm

    Yay Paige! Thank you!!! Talk about being vulnerable… eh?! 🙂 xoxox

Megan Walrod Nov 30, 2018 10:44am

Erin, thank you so much! I really appreciate your appreciation! 🙂

erinliberated Nov 30, 2018 9:35am

I so so love the poetic way you write…about such an important topic. THank you Megan Walrod. Just lovely!

jeanlprice Nov 30, 2018 8:19am

Thank you???

    jeanlprice Nov 30, 2018 8:21am

    I didn’t type the ???
    I sincerely thanked you for baring your deep soul thoughts.

      Megan Walrod Nov 30, 2018 8:38am

      Jean, thank you so much, for taking a moment to read and comment. It was a deep baring of the triggered state I was in… and writing through it all was really cathartic and healing. Thank you for receiving! 🙂

Megan Walrod Nov 9, 2018 3:14am

Thank you, Tsu!!

Tsu Nami Nov 8, 2018 4:13pm

So beautiful, so true, so relatable...thank you for wording this right xx

Megan Walrod Nov 7, 2018 3:38am

Donna ~ I hear you!!! What career are you in? I can imagine it's challenging not to take it personally when people "spew" on you. As I mentioned in the article/story - it's usually NEVER (ok, maybe .0005%!) really about the person being spewed on. It's all about the PAST and unspoken. My hope is that in writing and sharing my spewing, I inspire people to MOVE the unspoken through writing, through speaking it, so we spew less, speak our truths more, and experience the PRESENT more fully. Thank you so much for taking time to read my story and comment. Means a lot to me.

Megan Walrod Nov 7, 2018 3:35am

Rebecca ~ thank you so much!!! I really appreciate you taking a moment to thank me. You are SO welcome. My pleasure... truly!!

Megan Walrod Nov 7, 2018 3:34am

Jenn Mayers OMG YES! I so am! :) Thank you for taking a moment to read and comment and acknoweldge the fire that is burning in me these days - oh so very true! And oh so very satisfying to let it out and be SEEN and celebrated for it! Thank you for being a source of inspiration and support during these days of big changes and creations and fire!! <3

Megan Walrod Nov 7, 2018 3:33am

Awww Kim Wolf thank you!!! It was so real... these were words I spewed out on the page in the midst of a triggered response... no wonder they speak to people... there was no edited, restrained reaction here... I let it all out! Thank you so much for appreciating this piece and for allowing it to inspire you to keep writing, moving and getting it all out. YES YES YES!! No shame!!! So happy to know I inspire you... it's mutual! <3

Donna Fox Nov 7, 2018 1:56am

I’ve been “spewed” on a lot over the years in my career. Although I try not to take it personally but sometimes It makes me feel like shit because I didn’t do anything that bad to deserve your verbal diarrhea. Please everyone remember that...

Rebecca Rush Profeta Nov 7, 2018 1:18am

Fabulous article Megan! Love it! Thanks : )

Jenn Mayers Nov 6, 2018 11:46pm

This Girl Is On FIYAAAAA! 🔥🔥🔥

Kim Wolf Nov 6, 2018 4:13pm

Wow Megan Walrod that was beautifully written and so authentic! It reminds me to keep writing, keep moving, to get it all out! No shame! You inspire me <3

Megan Walrod Nov 5, 2018 10:55pm

Samantha, you are so very welcome! I didn't know Venus is in retrograde yet knowing that's where we are, astrologically, makes me smile! How perfect to be revisiting this theme, and having a chance to heal an old relationship wound and pattern, during this cycle. Thank you for reading my story and taking a moment to comment! :)

Megan Walrod Nov 5, 2018 10:53pm

Mik, oh yay! You are so welcome for this reminder!! So important to let it out and let it go! :) Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment.

Megan Walrod Nov 5, 2018 10:52pm

Thank you, Kate! I'm aware of this edit and have requested it be changed! :) How'd you like the article besides that typo?

Samantha O'Brien Nov 5, 2018 9:14pm

Megan! Thank you so much for this article. For putting it so succinctly! It is especially poignant during this Venus retrograde. Perfection!

Mik Craig Nov 5, 2018 7:17pm

Ha! You speaka me language! Well done and oh so true- thanks for the reminder to let it all out and let it all go-

Kate Landishaw Nov 5, 2018 3:16pm

you wrote: " “holier than though” response: " - though isn't correct - thou is spelled thou . . .

Megan Walrod Nov 3, 2018 8:23pm

Thank you Damara Knorr. I even surprised myself when writing that part about the not running away from the spewing, ashamed, and discoverd, in the writing, another possibility for cleaning up and being grateful for that "trigger" that is actually a catalyst for healing, when we choose it to be. Thank you so much for reading and taking time to comment!

Megan Walrod Nov 3, 2018 8:22pm

Thank you so much Susyn Reeve. <3

Susyn Reeve Nov 3, 2018 6:16pm

Fabulous, Megan. You capture the experience in all its’ many expressions.

Damara Knorr Nov 3, 2018 6:00pm

Great article, I have vomitted on some innocents before, the descriptions and the honoring was a good reminder of how to clean up the messy and come to peace with humblenes and truth. Thank you.

Megan Walrod Nov 3, 2018 3:26pm

Erin Neff yay! Thank you so much!! Ever have these moments where you spew your past onto your present?! :) They sure can be messy. Writing this helped me see, yet again, what else is possible when we don't hold back what we really wish to say! <3

Erin Neff Nov 3, 2018 2:40pm

LOVE THIS!!!

Megan Walrod Nov 3, 2018 3:45am

Thank you so much Sharla Jacobs!!! Means a lot to me that you read and commented!! I appreciate your acknoweldgment of the "eloquence" of a piece that so speaks to the messiness of what these moments of spewing can be like. What's interesting is how, in the past, my desire to be eloquent could stop me from expressing my full messy truth. I'm welcoming more of the full messy truth these days, and spewing less! :) <3

Megan Walrod Nov 3, 2018 3:43am

Eric Bensoussan thank you so much for taking time to read and comment!! Totally appreciate your support! It was amazing how this piece just tumbled right out of me. Cathartic to write! :)

Megan Walrod Nov 3, 2018 3:42am

Missy Singer DuMars thank you dear one!!! And thank you for being the one I got to share this with, out loud, in all of my full expression, before submitting to the elephant journal!!! <3 (And thank you for your support and ideas that inspired the title! Which got edited a bit anyway yet it's really, really good!) :)