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November 24, 2018

To the Woman in Bed with my Man.

I want to hate you.

How dare you be so beautiful?

How dare you look into the eyes of something I call home and choose to stay there a bit?

I want to shake my fist and make you a problem, so I don’t have to face the terror of what it is to want something and let it free.

To feel my heart walk around in someone else’s body, pumping someone else’s blood—with no illusion of safety.

To let him choose me because he wants to, not because he has to.

To think I own him is like trying to hold his breath in my mouth as long as I can.

I taste it and let it play over my teeth and tongue. I exhale—slowly.

And it is you who gets to breathe him in.

I want to know you get the gift of this—to loosen my fist and face my demons.

Demon of control.

Shadow of greediness.

The part that wants to hide in the illusion of things always staying exactly the same—as if I’m not ever changing, moving and hungry like the ocean.

I am taught to fear your sex and the spell society tells me it is. That it could draw him away forever—as if he has no say in the matter.

I refuse to fall prey to the ugliness that fears you. That tells me I must be the only one he buries his head in when he is sad, the only one he thinks of before he gets out of bed in the morning.

The only one who sends electricity down his spine and gets him humming a tune for the rest of the day. How dare I try to deprive you both of that deliciousness?

Forgive me for not seeing you when I want to kiss you. I want to thank you for stoking the holy sex fire that awakens his body and fuels his engine. That ignites the light in his eyes—the light that drew me here to begin with.

May I feel you and be changed by what you teach me; no longer hating my sister for her sex and her power, but ready to soak it up, curious about what I can learn.

To your unending beauty that never took anything from me—that expands my love past what I thought possible.

~

author: Maria Palumbo

Image: Author's own

Editor: Nicole Cameron

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Barbarah Dudman Nov 27, 2018 2:26am

To think I own him is like trying to hold his breath in my mouth as long as I can.

Oh so beautifully stated.

Understanding we don’t own anyone unlocks just that little more of the heart……. as painful, as fearful, as exhaustive as it may be.

Denise Ferguson Nov 26, 2018 2:00pm

Thank you for this. I have been on both sides of the coin and I too, was curious about the situation and chose to wonder and think before I moved forward from it.

I don’t think multiple partners is necessarily ‘bad’. Sometimes it is, sometimes is isn’t. Perhaps you were just a partner who was strong enough to be able to feel the situation fully before walking away and not looking back.

Feeling rage and hurt as well as curiosity is simply being in touch with more than one emotion. I never felt jealous of other women, but I did choose to use them as teachers before I rose above their behaviour. And hey, I was never a saint myself 🙂

Doria Sharpe Nov 26, 2018 3:36am

Sorry, this is such bs. Why do women do this to themselves? It’s OK and healthy to get mad as hell, hurt as shit, and feel the jealousy that an affair causes. Then, after that, to get up and honor yourself as more worthy of the type of man who would do that to you and let him go for good.

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Maria Palumbo

After suffering traumatic sexual abuse in her early life, Maria spent years hating her body, trying to suppress any form of sexual desire. She became a shell of who she once was. She knew this was NOT how she was meant to live.

During her studies for her Masters of Social Work and her exploration of spirituality, Maria awoke to the reality that life gets to be created on HER terms. She realized the power that is accessible when the light within is turned on full blast.

She shares this truth with women who are tired of being the “good girl” and teaches how to live radically alive and in touch with the true self within.  To apply to work with Maria 1:1 email her at [email protected] Follow her own personal journey of healing and awakening on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/maria.palumbo.loves