For as long as I can remember, I always found a way to turn any disastrous trauma into self blame and pity. This played a major role in my self sabotaging victimization and fueled my oblivion seeking addiction. After years of substance abuse, I was left broken and seemingly hopeless. I found myself diving into the 12 Steps and meditation, grabbing onto any and all resources to never live the life I formally indulged in. Little did I know, practical application was the only way I would ever find the serenity I desperately sought after.

Based on my experience, avoidance was the only way to heal. The insanity of this idea would later lead me into the trenches of full blown addiction. The first time I experienced oblivion, I finally felt ‘a part of’. All of the pain, trauma, and fear disappeared. Drugs and alcohol became my solution. If I didn’t like how I was feeling, I sought out oblivion. If I did like how I was feeling, I sought out oblivion. If I wanted to celebrate, oblivion. If I wanted to mourn, oblivion. You see, eventually oblivion became my reprieve. Just as I dissociated, as a little girl, I learned how to achieve the same desired effect with opiates. Eventually, I couldn’t worship or sacrifice enough for King Opiates and I was begging for relief. Legal consequences caught up to me and I was left with no solution. I was buried alive with no idea of how to revive myself.

Upon first getting sober, I found a sponsor, attended AA meetings daily, and chased after validation like my last drink. I thought I found my solution in the flattering compliments of recovering boys. As expected, this didn’t last long. Misleading and taunting my next victim, I came up empty. I was willing to divulge the painful memories of my past but I would never fully surrender my need to control over to God. I would hand over this aspect, but I would cling to the fears and pains that served me. Traumas from my past and daily chaos eventually mirrored the same misery I dwelled in my entire life. Perhaps fear propelled my desire to stay away from opiates, but two years sober, I finally got miserable enough to change.

Fear of rejection/abandonment was the leading cause of my incessant need to please. Thinking back to my childhood and the absence of my biological mother, I experienced feelings of inadequacy, rejection, and abandonment from a very young age. I was left to navigate through my adolescent years, and quite honestly I never had the proper tools. I was like a tourist in a foreign county, unfamiliar to the language, without a guide, and completely lost.

I despairingly requested to go through the steps again with my sponsor. Clinging to the women I respected and admired, I ventured out to find a new way of life. It started with rigorous honesty and ended with grace and walking through every fear I encountered. As we sat down to do my 5th step I remember the first and most detailed resentment on my list was me. I thrived on self hatred and shame. Wearing guilt like a warm blanket, my sponsor graciously asked why the Creator of the universe already forgave me but I refused to follow suite. Afterall, how can I possibly forgive others and rid myself of the bondage of self pity if I couldn’t forgive myself? At first, I was offended and baffled by the idea that I was the only one holding onto the condemnation I reveled in. After processing her questions, I realized I have the unrelenting desire to judge and over complicate the basic requirements to stay sober. It was a spiritual experience, to say the least.

I left my sponsor’s house and a weight had been lifted. The grass was greener, the skies bluer, and life wasn’t so bad. I was able to view things from an entirely different perspective. Gratitude swept in and carried away the judgements and criticisms of not only myself, but everyone I encountered. I started to identify the same adversities I struggled with in the lives of my foes.

I chose to follow this experience with a more holistic recovery approach. Coming from a multitude of different backgrounds, this concept is easily the most misconstrued. When someone would give the suggestion I meditate, I imagined Buddha in the Lotus Position entering into some hypnotic trance. I think it wouldn’t be a far off guess to suggest that this is the image comes to mind for most addicts in early recovery. Coming from the idea of this “punishing God”, that was the last avenue I wanted to venture down. When I first went into treatment we started with the basics of practicing mindfulness, guided meditations tapes, which ultimately led to 5-10 minutes of silent meditation. This is a practice I utilize daily. Taking time to quiet the noise and calm the chaos, meditation has become a huge component of my daily routine. It’s so easy to get caught up in the painful memories of the past and obsess over the anxieties of the future. Meditation has set the tone for being present and slowing down to think before I react. Taking the time to reflect on my past, I am able to focus my energy on the present moment. Before I make any major decision, I always take time to pray and wait quietly for a response. Thus far, I’ve found myself practicing patience, being mindful of how I may affect others, and avoiding an abundance of unnecessary pain.

All at once, we were equals. We were all trudging through life, the best we can with what we have. Years sober, and I finally felt like I could breathe for the first time. No longer suffocating in agony, I jumped into working with other women and couldn’t help but share the hope that found me. Almost every addict finds reprieve in obsessing over past trauma and recreating the same cycles that led to our demise. The Big Book describes resentments as “the number one offender” for an addict like me. My experiences in recovery have proven this to be true. My drug use became my solution but once removed my behaviors lingered. Today I make the decision to forgive others and relieve myself of the bondage of trying to control the outcome.

Tricia Moceo is an Outreach Specialist for Recovery Local, a local addiction/recovery based marketing company. She advocates long-term sobriety by writing for websites like detoxlocal.com, providing resources to recovering addicts and shedding light on the disease of addiction. Tricia is a mother of two, actively involved in her local recovery community, and is passionate about helping other women find hope in seemingly hopeless situations.