December 10, 2018

I’m not Sorry that I’m “Too Much to Handle.”

I am not sorry you think I’m “too much” to handle.

Too intense.

Too crazy, untamed, and wild.

I am not sorry these gypsy bones were birthed, unwrapped boxes, freed from boring ribbon perfection.

Here’s the deal.

I am not sorry. Not one single bit.

I am not sorry for laughing too loud and spitting on the ground.
For being aggressive and dropping f-bombs.
I am not sorry for telling you what I need, hands waving, “I am here.”
I am not sorry for talking all night about feelings, so we wake up a little sleepy, but free from the nightmare of resentment.
I am not sorry for emotional rollercoasters, because I never asked you to save me.

Did you forget you chose this madness?

And I’m not mad.

You fell into these precious eyes,
dripping with starry wonder,
spinning circles of seduction,
until we were both drunk with passionate love.

I told you I was a hurricane, but you just laughed, “Awe, isn’t she cute?”

I am not sorry you became addicted to the sweet smell of my skin, a drug you thought you could control.

I am not sorry you got caught in my web of enchantment, because I am not a spider and you are not a fly.
We are human beings, with choices.

You always had the power to say no.

I’m not sorry for my rage when you tell me to smile or stare at my ass like choosing prime rib from a butcher.

I am not sorry for crying when I’m sad, happy, angry, or just because it feels good.

Vulnerability is our superpower.

I’m not sorry I “outplayed a player,” because I was never trying to win the game.
In fact, I was not playing a game at all.

I’m not sorry for holding my signs high, middle fingers pointed at authority that told us to shut up.

Talk softer. Stay pretty, in your lane of giggles and Barbie Doll lies.

I’m not sorry I chose to splatter paint, instead of blending nice colors between conventional lines.

I’m not sorry for my endless questions, wrapping uncomfortable mystery around everything you swore to be certain.

I’m not sorry that I love death, talk to trees, read in graveyards, and snuggle with darkness—yours and my own.

I am not sorry that I love myself enough to stop apologizing for no goddamn reason.

For all the little girls and grown women who were taught they should be “sorry.”

It is time. To stop the madness.

You are the “one” the world has been waiting for, rising from ashes to go light sh*t up.

With a love brave enough to welcome demons around the table, because everyone’s hungry and needs to be heard.

We are not sorry for existing.

Never again will we dim our blazing shine.

We are only sorry that we ever said we were sorry.

author: Angela Meyer

Image: Kal Loftus/Unsplash

Editor: Kelsey Michal

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j.fenton Jun 16, 2019 4:34am

This has helped me be more at ease with who I am. A precious fire that refuses to be dowsed.

zooeybgood Jun 15, 2019 2:38pm

Thank you for this Angela!! I’ve been told “Im too much” my whole life. I lost my spunky self along the way trying so desperately to be accepted. I am living with metastatic breast cancer and am rediscovering my true self, removing old, toxic conditioning, layer by layer. It can be a lonely journey but I am so grateful to have the opportunity to dive deep & rediscover the bad ass me inside! When I was diagnosed, I felt like somehow it was divine intervention and was actually here to show me how to love & accept myself, that it was happening “FOR ME” not happening to me. It felt more natural to send it love rather than fight it or as some foreign, hateful object here to hurt and kill me. I wanted to light up the world with this perspective and maybe give others hope. Unfortunately, I never got around to even sharing my perspective because people couldn’t even handle hearing I had cancer… I felt so ashamed and shocked I allowed my light to dim. The responses were so painful …things like, “you make people uncomfortable when you tell them you have cancer” (while I’m standing there bald and wanting to burst the big elephant in the room) and “do you think you manifested cancer to get attention?” I am not sorry for taking up space on this earth or making anyone uncomfortable!! No more apologizing for my beautiful, messy existence!!! Thanks for having the courage to post this inspiring article!! The world needs it!!
( of course I am afraid to hit the post button but here it goes ?)

Michellerini37 Jun 14, 2019 7:07pm

Thank you Angela for this awesomeness! You have nailed it on the head and I “get it ?!” I am that girl. So I say , “whomever has the audacity to tell you to tone it down, that you’re light is too bright”… hand them some sunglasses and tell them to “kiss your a__ __ as you walk away!” I needed to read this today…. thank you! I’m good now.

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Angela Meyer

Angela Meyer is a Washington, D.C. based writer, seasoned teacher of yoga, black belt in self-defense, and a competitive martial artist. In addition to movement arts, Angela works at an AIDS hospice, is an end-of-life care counselor, Buddhist chaplain, and founder of Warrior Woman Republic LLC. She has a deep passion for justice and loves good beer. Follow her on Instagram.