I am 40 years young and I am finally in the healthiest, most grown, romantic relationship of my life.
And I don’t mean one of those sterile, “independent” just living side by side kind of relationships or one of those codependent cray cray ones either (of which I had many prior to this). This is an actual union. And this is huge for me on every single level.
I suppose it’s better late than never, but for god’s sake – why did it take me so damn long?
Well, it took me so damn long because I was hurt.
Like, really, really hurt.
And wounded. Badly, badly wounded.
And when you’ve gotten really, really hurt and that hurt was not properly cared for (cuz I was a child and did not have the tools to do so), it turns to wounds.
Those wounds create a hard crust of sorts – if unattended to – around one’s heart.
This wounded heart made me defensive, made me judgey, made me push away those who were truly healthy for me and instead had me running to those who only hurt me more.
And so. I spent the better part of my life running into the arms of family, “friends” and romantic partners who would shred me by simply replaying my early childhood wounding again and again.
It was only in 2014 when I had my second spiritual awakening that I finally was ready to do the deeper work.
And this awakening and deeper work wasn’t about “manifesting and magic” it was about feeling the wounds and tending to the pain that I had been running from my entire life.
After spending years as a coach and healer focused on manifesting and magic, I had reached a new point, a new level if you will. I could no longer be the Light-filled “Magic” girl. I had to become the Sacred, Aligned, Healthy, Whole Woman I truly am.
And that was going to mean letting go of a lot of things – and people and behaviors and thoughtforms and practiced moods and ways of being – while feeling what I had been running from.
I was – as you can imagine – not entirely thrilled about this.
I immediately was guided to let go of my go-to’s for avoiding doing my deeper work which included:
*Receiving lots of “healing sessions” so someone else could “heal” me.
Newsflash: all the healing sessions in the world can’t do the work that only we can do for ourselves. Healing is meant to compliment the daily self/spiritual work one is already doing.
*Drinking/happy hours/eating out all of the time – essentially being a socialite with a stocked calendar.
*Blaming everyone else for the mishaps in my life. It was because they were unevolved, or they were lame, or they were hurt from their childhood (notice how blaming is really nothing more than projection in disguise?!).
*Reading books/taking in information non-stop to “heal” myself.
*Being perpetually “busy.”
*Healing others through my coaching and healing practice because “they needed” me. Insert dramatic martyr storyline here. I’m pretty sure I played that one out in my first 9,999 lifetimes. #overthat
*Being successful and making lots of money.
Interestingly, once I let go of this as a benchmark for a happy life and did what I share with you below, my income doubled, which was amazing and unexpected, and shows you how life truly works.
Instead of doing the above, I was given a download in meditation of practices on how to feel, how to “process” my feelings, how to be with my feelings, how to take 111% responsibility for my life, how to become empowered, how to have healthy, balanced relationships with family, friends, my healers, men, romantic partners.
It was new information to me and I was instructed to go deep with it.
And so, I’ve spent the past four years working these tools like they were my lifeline – because literally they were.
Without my coping mechanisms – I was a wreck.
Filled with fear, filled with insecurity, filled with some serious shadow content that I had eagerly been trying to avoid.
Instead, this time – I felt it all.
I had panic attacks and didn’t take medication for them. I simply sat and rode the wave of it. It was over in about 60 seconds and I felt amazing after – much to my amazement.
I had major anxiety and depression and was simply with it and I didn’t try to change it or fix it or heal it, I used the practices I was given in meditation instead.
I had massive fomo (fear of missing out) but didn’t go. I stayed in. I sat with myself and Spirit and nature and experienced for the first time in my life Peace.
(Insert note: there’s nothing wrong with taking medications, but I had been doing so off and on since I was a teenager and it was finally time for me to face what I had been avoiding. This is not necessary for everyone, so no judgement here if you are called to medication.)
The great news is, I documented all of this.
I wrote all of this down, I perfected the processes and tools and practices and meditations needed to create a truly incredible relationship with myself.
And, here’s the really epic part of all of this.
I am in the healthiest, most joyous partnership of my life with Myself first and foremost. That happened by working the tools I was given in meditation.
Then, ripple effect.
That automatically put me in the best relationship with Spirit/God/The Divine that I’ve ever had – a true partnership with The Divine. There is not one thing I create without my connection to The Divine.
Then, more ripples!
That led to the healthiest, Sacred Union, romantic partnership of my life. To a man I married on 11/11/18.
And so. Here’s what I want you to know as we step into the next great chapter for us of 2019:
Everything is heal-able, when you are willing to go there. I know you don’t want to. I didn’t either. I know it seems hard, but it’s harder living like you are now (and how I was living then).
It’s so much better over here, where we feel things and we don’t run from things and we don’t blame other people and we stop putting toxic ick in our body and act like it’s okay!
I wanted the romantic partner and healthy relationship with myself and with God/The Divine, but until I was actually willing to go *into* the shadowy places, it simply could not be.
And I still use these tools every damn day. And I will forevermore. They are the key to healthy relating – with Self, with The Divine, with your partner.
It takes work, it takes practice, it takes showing up – but it is supremely worth it.
May you know this great Peace and may you have the best relationships of your life in 2019!