If you have ever been in a toxic relationship … just go ahead & be prepared to throw all types of mess on your next one.
Yup, I said it.
I know you want your next partner to not only sweep you off your feet but also to swoosh off your past with it.
They don’t do that.
Be prepared to lean too much, listen way over sensitively, think every huff or muffle under their breathe means their packing their bags.
Be aware that you may feel instantly on egg shells when you see someone in public that you know and fear you will make your new partner upset or better yet if they know someone assume they have already hooked up or maybe they want to now that they saw one another again. (The trail of negative worst case scenario doom)
Be prepared to be nervous, not the kind of butterfly type of nervous, but the kind of nervous that they won’t see you good enough to talk to after the first date.
Don’t be caught off guard when you take their kindness as manipulation and their romantic gestures as a token and a sign that you owe them something in return.
Do me a favor: realize your heart has been through the ringer, your mind through a manipulative and lie enmeshed cycle, your body not recognized or valued, and you may or may not feel like damaged goods dressed up as fierce as can be- hoping that maybe your outside can rock this enough for someone to put up with what is going on inside of you.
Before you venture on into this battle field- do me another favor & realize right now … you are still healing, mending, identifying all the pieces left scattered and trying to determine which are yours and which still belong shattered.
& first and foremost: choose you.
Your right, you will be a mess of a partner because you don’t even know what type of partner you want – all you know is it isn’t THAT.
I fell in love right after I realized what Love wasn’t, I left toxicity and chased the opposite & my inability to have time in between, or take time for myself in between, caused me to not really be able to stand firmly on my own or even be the woman my partner needed or the woman I needed.
When we leap, in order to heal, we leap into more messes, more unhealed wounds, and we take all of us with us to all of it.
You needed You, I needed me, to heal not to fall into the arms of another- I needed to fall into my own arms.
I remember asking my partner if I could use the restroom when we first started dating and he was like … ”um, why are you asking me to use the bathroom? You don’t have to ask me to use the restroom.”
There were so many moments, moments just like these, where I noticed I had so much to heal from & I had been so use to living in toxicity that it had become a norm, even within my conversations and within my own home. There was so much to separate from, and so much I needed to deal with on my own & that by leaning I was escaping my own awakening & the beauty of true brokenness in order to heal.
Psh, I was not ready to be a partner & neither was he – for me.
We both were in our own stuff & fully in those roles.
Our brokenness revealed to me how I wasn’t in a relationship that aligned with who I was or where I wanted to rise, yet I was escaping all I needed to heal from in a more healthy manor – so to me that temporarily made it ok.
You are worthy in all your messy ness.
& you are human , relationships will be messy and reckless and magical and breathtaking all in one .
Just make sure you also notice how important it is to admire you & who you are & to love yourself fiercely in that enough to know when you need grace, compassion, and time for yourself.
You will be the partner you wanna be when you love yourself enough to heal and grow be humbled and find out who you genuinely are in the midst of all you have been through loves.
You are worthy & whoever scoops you and your Hott mess express up will know that too.
The Soul Grind
?: Jess Amburgey Photography & Social Media Marketing