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If you are not in your ideal partnership right now, there’s a reason—and it has everything to do with the person in the mirror.
Don’t worry, I’m not blaming you. I’m challenging you to stop making excuses and look squarely into the mirror.
I rejected every good woman I dated for over 10 years. I would find countless reasons why she was the problem. This only served to dig the hole I was already in even deeper.
To have a more successful, fulfilling partnership in 2019, consider the impact of taking more responsibility for your relationships. Not in self-blame, but in personal responsibility, a vital tool we teach here at The Relationship School®.
Read over this short list and notice which of them ring true. Did I miss any? Please write your list below in the comments.
But here’s the catch: you cannot blame the other person. Deal? “Well, she never.” “He always…” Those don’t work. 2019 is the year you take responsibility, and with that, the year you get to have major breakthroughs.
Here are the 15 most common blocks to getting what you want relationally in 2019:
- Fairy tale: You still believe the fairy tale that once you find “the one,” everything will be happy and great. Barf.
- Comparison: You compare yourself or them to the fairy tale. Enter shame.
- Entitlement: You don’t think you have anything to learn and you think you or the relationship is “fine.” You are not coachable and haven’t yet taken on the role of a lifelong student.
- Denial: You keep denying there’s a problem.
- Lack of understanding: You don’t understand how intimate relationships really work. You never formally learned.
- Hope: You keep hoping your partner will change and you expect them to conform to your values.
- Apathy: You distract and medicate your problems away (with things like Facebook, porn, TV, drugs, sugar, and pharmies).
- Low priority: It’s just not important enough to you yet.
- Conflict avoidant: You don’t know how to work out your differences and you rely on childhood methods and approaches. You can’t handle yourself—your own reactivity, hurt feelings, triggers, and upset. And you can’t handle your partner—their reactivity, hurt feelings, and upset.
- You never learned how to be with your own pain.
- Self-blame: You judge and shame yourself for being where you are at, so it’s hard to get motivated to improve when you are collapsed.
- Other blame: You point the finger and avoid taking responsibility for your part, which means you’ll never be able to control the outcome.
- Fear of being alone: You don’t want to be alone, so you stay in a mediocre relationship.
- Past pain: You’ve been hurt by people in the past, and it’s clouding your belief in what’s possible.
- Deserve issues: You don’t think you deserve it.
Could you relate to any of these?
Chances are you had at least one, but likely more than one, right? What emotion came up? Guilt? Shame? Hurt? Sadness? If it’s true that you connected with one or more from the list above, what are you going to do about it? Because it’s keeping you from the partnership you deserve.
Take the view that a beautiful partnership where you feel met, seen, and understood is in your hands. Yes, I understand it takes two in a partnership. However, I’m challenging you to get honest about where you’re stuck, where you run away, and what you avoid.
Your first step after looking in the mirror is to open up to a friend. Let them know you are not where you want to be in terms of an ideal partnership. This creates connection and is a good practice to be vulnerable.
Next, commit to them that you are going to not only take ownership of your part in not getting what you want (choose something you related to from the above list), but that you are going to do something about it this year. No more victims, no more blaming others. Just commit to taking personal responsibility this year for your relational life. How inspiring!
Finally, own your worth and your value.
I meet way too many people who will not own their own magnificence. Then they complain that no one wants to date them or that there are “no good men” or “no good women” out there. Nonsense. There are seven billion people. Your partner is in fact out there.
Want to take another step?
If you are tired of repeating painful relationship patterns or getting the same mediocre results, come learn with us in 2019 here at The Relationship School. Here’s a link to our free class coming up and our application to our nine-month radical relationship breakthrough training.
Stay ashamed or take action and feel better inside. Your choice.
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