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A few years ago, I was dating this guy I liked a lot.
He was everything I thought I wanted: smart, successful, funny, athletic, and might I say, ridiculously hot.
As most of us tend to do when we’re really into someone, I played some games. I’ll call it the game of lying to myself. That’s the one where you know something isn’t quite right between the two of you, but you’re too caught up in the new romance, the new sex, and the anticipation of hearing the text alert go off on your phone letting you know he’s thinking about you, to actually do anything about it.
I lied to myself about why I didn’t hear from him more often between our dates. I lied to myself about his lack of interest in meeting my friends. I even lied to myself about the physical intimacy. Wasn’t it perfectly normal for someone to not connect emotionally and be fully present during sex when we were still in the early stages of the relationship?
Uh…girl. No. Here’s the raw, honest truth: he just wasn’t that into me.
Cue the feigned shock and injustice of it all. But let’s face it—deep down, we know when a guy isn’t as into us as we are into him, but we just don’t want to admit it to ourselves. We’d rather stay in the fantasy that “he’s still getting to know me and just hasn’t realized how amazing I am!” Or that “he was really hurt in his last relationship so he’s just scared to commit or get serious.”
Uh…girl, no. We need to face the cold, hard facts—as tough as it might be. None of us should have to work to be loved or feel that we’re putting all the effort into a relationship when it’s obvious that the other person may not be as interested in us.
So, how do you know whether you’re dating someone who just takes a little more time to warm up to you but has lots of potential, or whether it’s time to abandon ship because he’s never going to get there?
These are 7 telltale signs that he (or she) is just not that into you:
1. He doesn’t take the initiative to make plans. Yes, you might see each other once a week. You might even argue that when you do hang out you have an amazing time together. But then he doesn’t make any effort to ask you when he can see you again. Instead, after a few days of not hearing from him, you’re always the one finding an excuse to send him a text just to “say hi and check in,” hoping that might prod him to ask, “when we hanging again?”
When a guy is really into you, he’s already thinking about the next time he gets to see you again. He’ll typically ask you as you’re kissing each other goodnight or parting ways in the morning what your schedule looks like for the rest of the week. If you find you’re leaving most of your dates without him ever asking that question, he’s probably not that into you.
2. His texts become less frequent. When you started dating, you may have been texting multiple times of day. Your exchanges with each other were easy and flirty, and you probably never even noticed who texted first because it all felt so organic.
Then you start to notice he’s only texting you every couple of days or maybe only once a week. He may take longer than usual to respond to your texts. Lots of us tend to make excuses when this starts happening like, “oh, he must be really busy” or “maybe he doesn’t have his phone on him,” when we know full well he’s glued to that phone 24-7!
When you’re not hearing from him much or he’s taking 24 hours or more to respond to your messages, it’s likely that he’s just not that interested.
3. He doesn’t ask a lot of questions about you. When a man is really interested in you, he wants to know everything about you. Why? Because he’s trying to figure out if he has enough in common with you to turn this into a long-term thing. He’ll ask about your family, your hobbies, your opinions on things, what your friends are like, what makes you tick—and he genuinely wants to know the answers.
If you spend most of your time just making small talk or find he avoids talking about anything really personal, it’s most likely because he’s not interested in going there with you.
4. He never suggests hanging out with his friends. This has always been a big indicator if someone is really into me. When they are, they’re super jazzed to have you hang out with them and their friends. It may not happen right away, but after a certain amount of time when a guy is really into you, he wants to show you off to the people he’s closest with.
If he’s keeping you hidden and never mentions socializing anywhere outside the bedroom or places where you won’t run into anyone you know, he probably thinks of you more as a booty call than anything else.
5. Sex never leads to deeper intimacy. What do I mean by that? It means that when you have sex, it’s never followed with physical affection, pillow talk late into the night, or a deeper feeling of closeness and connection. Instead, the most you get is him rolling over and falling asleep which leaves you feeling like you just missed out on getting the cherry at the top of the sundae.
6. He wants to see other people. Some men will argue that even when they’re really into a woman they’re dating, they still want to see other people because they’re not ready for a commitment. I get that—but I still believe from having many guy friends that when he’s really into you he doesn’t want to see other women anymore. If he’s keeping his options open it’s because somewhere deep down, he knows you’re not the one for him, and he wants to have other women on the back burner.
7. You don’t feel it. By this I mean you don’t feel it from him. You may really like him. You may be able to make a case to your friends how much fun the two of you have together and how he talks about what he wants his kids’ names to be one day. But we all have that gut instinct. And when we feel something isn’t quite right, it’s because it truly isn’t.
If you’re feeling this way, try not to avoid the truth. Trust yourself. You know you better than anyone and you know what it feels like for a man to be truly into you. If it looks like this one isn’t, respect yourself enough to face it, not take it personally, and gracefully bow out with a, “I really like you, but I don’t think we’re on the same page.”
Trust me—there’s another guy out there who will be so clear in his desire and interest in you, you’ll never question where you stand again.