It happens without even thinking about it, really. Nobody would ever wish this upon themselves, would they? Something as simple as a phrase or a word or a thought threatens your very existence, digs its claws deep into your thought life. It was never meant to happen. It’s not like you planned for it… it’s just a lie, stretched truth, sliver of self-doubt or another’s skewed and selfish opinion taking over the space in your head…until it’s the only thing you hear. How could one ever fall so far?
This was my reality a year ago. Life took an unexpected turn into a place I never thought I would land, and with that arrival, came a loss of every sense of self, a loss of who I knew I was. But I listened to the words, and I listened to the voices in my head for too long, and I came to that place where I thought I just needed to do something.
But it’s not what you’d think. Though, it could have been worse, if I didn’t catch myself.
You never expect yourself to think of doing something so drastic… but it creeps in, when you feel so low. You never wake up one day thinking, “It’s a good day to create a family crisis!”…. but it comes, because of misinterpretations and speaking too soon, when you don’t even understand what’s in your own head to begin with.
It happens without even THINKING about it – the things that come and go in our thought life. How can we ever get it “under control”?
It’s true, we do allow positive or negative thoughts to creep into our minds. There is a choice, if one will allow weeds or flowers to grow in your mental space. And what you take in, is what you put out. To an extent.
But sometimes, these thoughts hit you like a ton of bricks loaded onto a semi-trailer going 85 MPH on the Texas speedways, and all seems lost. It’s not like I wished these thoughts on myself – it happened, the mental attack – truly, the spiritual attack. My head felt like it was being shoved through the mud as I was living a not-so-pretty piece of reality that’s never what I would have chosen. The behind the scenes, inside your head, that nobody would know of, from the outside.
Everything may look pretty on the outside, yet we are too complex for just the surface. It takes just a second for your mind to take a twisted turn south, and if you don’t catch it, you’ll be speeding through the Texas Speedway, with the bricks flying off the semi trailer hitting everything in your path.
How do you survive feeling like you will never…survive? Why was a semi driving on a racetrack, anyway? Life is too complex to make sense in these times.
Yet God. If we bring this back to Him, it doesn’t feel so ratchet. Replace that lie and self-doubt with one life-giving narrative:
“You did it: You turned my deepest pains into joyful dancing; You stripped me off my dark clothing and covered me with joyful light. You have restored my honor. My heart is ready to explode, erupt in new songs! It’s impossible to keep quiet. Eternal One, my God, my *Life-Giver,* I will thank You forever.”
Psalm 30:11-12 (VOICE, Thomas Nelson, 2012)
One thing I’ve learned through all the storms of life is that the broken can become beautiful – if we allow God to use the storms and circumstances of life to shape us. There is good and promise and evidence of God working, even now, in the mess, right in front of us. We can learn to see the good, and we can learn to see God, in all of this. He gives us new LIFE in His promises.
See that rainbow and unexpected pink-purple sunset? That’s Him. The beautiful pink-purple sunsets that can only come after a storm, is still evidence of a faithful God, making broken things beautiful, in the midst of a mess. It’s still not the normal everyday sky, the leaves are still scattered and dripping. It’s okay to feel anger or denial at something we never pictured for the sunset tonight, for our current situation, to be the reality… but it’s in this mess that we can press into Christ and still see His good and hand working in all the mess, meeting us right where we are.
The semi trailer can slow down and get back onto the highway where it belongs, the bricks do stop flying, no longer a threat to everything in its path, and we can come out on the other side of the storm stronger in Christ. He sees you in the mess, and He knows every bit of it. Will you listen to Him share the Truth about you – and forget about those lies?
The broken woman becomes beautiful in the face- in the presence- of the One who created her.
As Ellie Holcomb sings in The Broken Beautiful,
“You say that You’ll turn my weeping into dancing,
Remove my sadness and cover me with joy
You say Your scars are the evidence of healing
That You can make the broken beautiful, You make us beautiful”
~Katherine Newsom Writes at Simple Natural Mama
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