At first, it was the quick glances. Catching you walk by from the corner of my eye; wondering and hoping you had just done the same.  There were causal smiles and soft-spoken words of greeting among co-workers.  You threw out a few incredible compliments; appropriate, uplifting and inspiring.  It seemed our paths began to cross more and more until this odd buzzing feeling began every time I was in range of you. It was audible – all electric and glassy and metallic at the same time.  It was physical –  causing my heart to beat a bit faster, the blood to pound in my ears a bit louder, my head to become clouded and my breath to be stolen from my lungs.

“Be bold,” I told myself.  I haven’t been interested in anyone since I was a teenager, and I am far from that now. “Be brave”. The man I had been married to, didn’t want me, why would anyone else?  “Just try.”  I couldn’t possibly be dating material, I have kids, I am too chubby, I am too anything that would make an excuse to be a coward about this.  “Be daring”. Fear and excitement pushed me to out of the blue place my number in your shirt pocket and ask you to call. 

I honestly don’t remember how it went after that.  We texted, we talked, we were raw and brutally honest. We were open and supportive and hesitant and shy. All I know is there was a long string of days with texts of  “good morning” and “good night” without any expectation of getting one the next day.  And still, the tension built to the point of survival. 

Yes, I threw my self at you like a slut.  I showed up on your doorstep with only one thing on my mind and happily, you obliged. You were a true gentleman, only going as far as I needed until we reached the point of no return. Sex. Amazing. Different. Scary. I wanted to feel shame, but you wouldn’t let me. 

I believed that this was to be a mutual end to what was just a chemical reaction. I was actually ok with that.  I was wrong.

More “good mornings” and “good nights” followed. 

A sudden stumble. You weren’t ready for more and the brakes felt harsh, cold and nearly stopped my heart.  “I understand,” I said.  And I truly did. The world had left us both with scars on our hearts that may never fully fade.  It was a beautiful, astounding ride that helped me heal from my feelings of ugliness and unworthiness.  What a rare gift to have been given. A blessing.  While I was truly stung I was also completely grateful. 

Late, late one evening came the words that started my fall.  “Tell me I am an idiot.” you said.  “Tell me I am an idiot for not seeing you.”  I could not.  You were right to slow down, to process your desires, to allow yourself to grieve over your past.  I wanted to, but could not.

“Good morning” was the next thing I saw.   

There was the day you didn’t expect to see me.  When I showed up I was greeted with perhaps the single most beautiful smile I have ever seen.  Your eyes actually lit with honest pleasure. It was so genuine, so real and it felt like I had been slammed to the floor with an emotion I just couldn’t name.

“Let’s try again.” was next.

We did. We shared food. Stories. Laughter. Sadness. Sex. No expectations.  No questioning the future. No asking for anything but that moment we were in.  And if that was to be the end it would last me a lifetime.

But now, now I want to say this to your face. I want to look you in those beautiful eyes and have you know that I would never ask for any more than you are willing to give. I want you to know I am not asking for forever. And, I don’t want this to scare you away.

I want to hold hands with you wherever we go.

I want to sit on the beach and watch a sunset with you.

I want to play in the waves that rock us about until we remember to hold on to each other.

I want to take you on a cruise where we play and eat all day and have sex all night.

I want to ride the big bumpy coaster, and the tilt-a-whirl, and all the rides that scare me just a little because you are there.

I want you to float down a long lazy river, picnic in the park and stroll through the city because I am there.

I want to dance with you.  I want to swing, salsa, twirl, bump, until we are out of breath when we leave the floor. I want to sway, dip, rock, holding so close we are almost one and barely moving to the music.

I want to lean back on you, feeling the hard strength there, while I feel your soft breath in my ear.

I want to hold onto you because for some reason I seem to fit perfectly to you.

I want to talk with you about small stuff, big stuff, silly stuff, dirty stuff until we fall asleep in the middle of our sentences.

I want to do anything or nothing with you where there is silence between us because we know our silence is safe.

I want each time I leave for the night, to look into your eyes and know that if that is the last, it was the best ride I have ever been on.

I know this is much too much and much too soon.  I know this isn’t love, but something along the way. Don’t let this scare you away. I am not asking for forever, just your moments.

I am not asking for all of your moments;  just as many as you will let me have.