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June 25, 2019

6 ways you should try to save your marriage before asking for a divorce

There’s no easy way to go through a divorce. No matter how much you prepare for it and how much you try to adjust your frame of mind through meditation, divorce leaves a dent in your life, whether it’s emotional, financial, or spiritual. In many cases, this dent is an opportunity for healing and growth. Divorce can help you move on to the next stage in your love life, find peace, or escape the vicious circle of abuse and co-dependency.

However, divorce isn’t an easy decision to make and you shouldn’t treat it lightly. When you got married, you weighed the pros and cons, talked about living together, starting a family, and your couple dynamics. You should do the same thing before seriously considering divorce as well. Although tension runs high when facing a marriage crisis and your diplomacy skills won’t be at their highest, it’s important to consider all your options before you settle for divorce; not necessarily for your partner, but for your own peace of mind. When the dust settles, you want to know you gave it your best at saving your marriage and, if you have kids, they’ll want to know this too.

1.      Talk about your concerns truthfully and without conflict

If you’ve considered divorce, then you probably have a long list of things you are unhappy with. Unless the reason for divorce is one major crisis that your spouse is aware of, such as cheating, for instance, make sure you communicate the things that make you unhappy. Sometimes, partners assume that their significant other already knows this, or that they dropped enough hints, but you need to be as straightforward as possible. According to Sherry Amatenstein, an author on relationship psychology, people only hear about 35% of what is being said to them. That’s simply how we’re built. Have an open conversation about your relationship concerns and, though this might be difficult, try to stay calm and don’t start an argument.

2.      Find some common ground

After having this conversation, you might be surprised to find out that the same thing also bothers your partner. For example, if both of you feel neglected and isolated in the relationship, that means you still love each other and you can find a way to work around this problem. Divorce has a way of bringing out the worst in us, especially when you get separating your assets, splitting custody, and signing legal agreements. You won’t be able to fall back in love once you get down that road, so if you think that your marriage has at least 10% chance of saving, do this before you start the divorce. Try to think of what brought you together, the things you have in common and activities you like doing together and use them as a foundation to rebuild your relationship. It may be something small, like having a movie marathon or going on a weekend getaway, but this could be the spark that will re-ignite the fire.

3.      Think of what each of you could do to help your relationship

Saving a marriage from divorce should never fall on the shoulders of only one partner. This may not be pleasant to think about, but even the person who was wronged can improve themselves and contribute to helping the relationship. Try this exercise with your partner: on a piece of paper, write down the things that you ­could do to save your relationship, and then compare your lists. It’s important to stay focused on yourself, leave vanity aside, and don’t turn this into a list of what the other person should do. Acknowledging your mistakes and being proactive about finding solutions is the first step to becoming a healthy couple again.

4.      Go to a love reading before seeing a marriage counselor

When done at the right time, marriage counseling can have up to 98% success rates. However, marriage counseling is about two people and their dynamic. Sometimes, the problem with the marriage, the reason why you considered divorce, may come down to your own inner expectations and fears. And, to address them, you need some guidance and time with yourself. Research some reliable love psychics and try going to a reading. Contrary to popular belief, love psychics won’t tell you the future or connect you with ghosts of ex’s past. They are deeply intuitive individuals who can help you understand your romantic self and find out if you’re truly ready for a divorce.

5.      Let the crisis pass

Even the happiest couples have one major turning point in their relationship when they could easily have ended the marriage but instead, they decided to fight through it. This could be your turning point. If you are in an abusive relationship and staying married could bring harm to you or your children, then this isn’t worth considering, but, for any other crisis, try to give it some time before you take any drastic measures. Psychologists explain that sometimes it may take up to two years to overcome a major crisis, so you should learn to practice patience. Not necessarily the patience to watch passively as things unfold, but the patience to allow your spouse to change, and to try to make things work.

6.      Picture yourself after the divorce 

Many times, unhappy spouses see divorce as the solution to all their problems. In some cases, it is, and these are the people who look back and say that divorce is the best thing that happened to them. Other times, people continue to be unhappy, even if the person they considered to be the root of all their problems is no longer around. Before turning to divorce, picture your life post-breakup. Do you see yourself as a better individual, or will you have bigger problems? It’s important to put things in balance, understand yourself more than anything, and consider the long-term implications of divorce. Will it help you truly grow, or are you using it to punish your partner?

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