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June 13, 2019

How to know when to Settle Down: you won’t like my “answer.”

Lately, I’ve been in love. It’s been fun, hard, good, real, caring, and I’m deeply grateful. So how do I know if and when to commit?

Good god I wish I knew.

~

I’ve been alone forever.

Dating, yes.

In relationships—good ones—sometimes.

But not committed to another for long.

Committed to myself, and to my everyday mission, only.

Alone is hard, alone is easy, alone is fun! But it’s always simple. It allows room for work, for service, for freedom. It’s a journey of befriending oneself, which is important stuff. And when we can more fully take care of ourselves, we are better equipped to take care of others.

Lately, I’ve wondered if I’m done being alone with myself, and I’m ready to be alone, in love with another. That’s a big deal!

Answer: I don’t know.

It’s been a little hard, sitting in this space of “I don’t know.”

And it’s been a little unfair to my partner.

But it’s been where I’ve been at, rather unconditionally. Choicelessly. To leave behind my lifelong independence, but too, to carry forward that independence into partnership.

Can I do it?

And if so, now?

With her?

I don’t know. I do know I’m not waiting for the perfect time or woman. I do know I’ll never be perfectly ready, and needless to say I’ll never be perfect myself (far from it).

So what does it feel like when it’s the right time?

What does it feel like when it’s the right person?

I don’t know.

I do know I still love and miss being alone, and dating, and at the same time I do know I appreciate partnership with a like-minded loving lovely friend.

I don’t know.

I do know our communication has been open, fun, honest and respectful throughout, not hidden and private or angry and self-guilt-tripping.

I do know that it’s important to be honest about my decision now, not do what’s easy now and then cause one’s partner to pay for my bypassing suppression now, later.

And so we give me space to fully feel: I don’t know.

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