Dear Sis,

Thank you for the card. I’ve been struggling with how to write this letter to you for a really long time. I feel trepidation in sending it because you may reject it outright. I do find great irony in the fact that, though we never speak, every time I shave my legs I think of you and how you tore up your shins dry shaving when you were a kid. So I think about you, even if briefly, almost every day. (Less in the winter because I get lazy about shaving.) 

I want to share with you my thoughts that I’ve had for at least the last few years.  I know it’s been that long because you sent the card to my old address and I moved out of that house over three years ago. It appears that our family, myself included, has a penchant for not leaving forwarding addresses.

Sis, I would like to have a great, authentic relationship with you. I totally own my part in participating in the dynamic we’ve created for the last several decades.  Relationships with immediate family are inherently prone to complications because, for example, if we were not related by blood, I honestly don’t think you would ever choose someone like me to be a good friend. 

You would be unfailingly polite, kind and civil, but you wouldn’t necessarily invite me to your family dinner due to the vast disparity in our natures. Being related by blood or history does not guarantee that personalities are naturally compatible. I think it was Harper Lee who said, “You can’t choose your family, but you can choose your friends.” I totally understand that. Given these difficulties and despite our obvious differences, I would still like to explore renewing our relationship if you’re interested.

As time passes by I find that I have little time or interest in sending out cards, emails or texts with cursory greetings to anyone where that is our only interaction. I try my best to have quality relationships and in doing so, invest myself emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically into maintaining them. I feel what you and I have shared for our entire adult life has been superficial at best, interspersed with moments of authenticity. I do not say this in any blaming, shaming or judgmental way. As I said, I accept my part in allowing our relationship to quietly slip away. 

I have learned that being in a relationship, whether it be romantic, friendship, professional or sibling, is a choice. I choose daily to love those in my life and in making that conscious choice, accept the responsibility that comes with loving someone well. I also believe that we are free to choose whatever we want while acknowledging the truth that we are never free of the consequences of our choices. 

If you and I choose to work on creating a deep, intimate, loving sibling relationship it would need to be one that encompasses regular communication via phone/Skype/FaceTime, the occasional visit and maybe then some holiday or birthday cards for emphasis. I would want the conversations to range over a variety of subjects that, in time and with the building of trust, dive deeper into feelings, hopes and dreams of a sort. 

I am not expecting an immediate outpouring of sorrow over lost opportunities, abject apologies, declarations of sibling love or the sharing of deep, dark secrets. I would only need some form of action on both our parts to demonstrate our commitment to working on building a connection of mutual value.

If this doesn’t appeal to you I will not berate, shame or blame you Sis. I have no idea who you are as an adult so I cannot know how this will land with you. If you’re interested and have different ideas of what you might need please feel free to share your thoughts. I am open to what you think might work.  I’m not 100% clear on what an adult relationship with you would look like. I would want to see how it grows organically and tweak as needed by consistent check-ins.

If you find that you do not want to engage in building a new relationship similar to what I outlined above I will wish you the absolute best in life and respectfully request that you not send any more cards, emails or short texts.  To explain – whenever I receive an occasional card or text from you it hurts deeply because it makes me miss the only you I’ve ever known; which was that fun loving, goofy, bratty sister who shared a room with me growing up. 

I don’t have any connection to who you are now, the life you have built or the family you have created so I can only draw upon my memories, most of which are good. When I do this I yearn for a deeper connection and cannot fathom why drifted so far apart. I hope this gives you clarity on my request. It is about my need to create value and not about who you are.

I am also not a believer in staying in touch with siblings out of obligation and would release you from such with love. Life is far too short to spend it on what I deem to be shallow niceties that society requires though I respect that others may not agree with my stance.

I hope this finds you in good health and happy.

In honor and with love of the fun we shared as kids, 

Your older sister