There is a feeling that is rooted deep within

Forever hiding out in the nooks and crannies within.

Rarely understood.

Even less often, acknowledged.

 

One that no matter how unnoticed it is, it’s effects are experienced within our lives day in and day out.

 

It’s the unexplainable panic, that is felt when something seems a little off.

It’s the resentment that lives just beneath the surface of that once experienced wrong doing, that was done unto you.

It’s the heaviness preventing you from allowing your breath to float down into your belly, keeping it high up in your chest.

It’s in the shoulders, that no matter how many massages you have, remain tight.

 

Betrayal

 

Deep breath in. Slow steady breath out.

 

Even giving it a label did not make it feel true.

I’d prefer to call it anything but that.

 

Somehow landing within this time and space inside of the Spiritual realm that to admit “I feel betrayed” somehow identifies us as a victim, as having a weakness, or a lack of spiritual maturity.

 

As a man to identify with being betrayed is to be willing to experience an ego death of sorts.

As a woman to identify with being betrayed is to lack grace, compassion and understanding.

 

And yet there is a much, truer truth.

 

It was only when I leaned into the exploration of betrayal and how it was living within my life, that it’s power finally began to dissolve..

 

I had done my inner work. 10 years in, over and over and over. Loneliness, resentment, anger, fear, guilt, shame and feeling a lack of worthiness would arise.

 

Leaning in closer, with incredible determination to see what need to be seen in order to break this generational loop that seemed to have it’s grip on me.

 

There it was waiting to be dis-covered.

Living at the heart of loneliness, resentment, anger, fear, guilt, shame and feeling a lack of worthiness.

 

No longer able to hide out.

Beginning to be understood.

Acknowledged for the role that is has played.

And slowly allowed to be experienced with the intention of dissolving it fully.

 

You are allowed to feel it.

You are not less than.

You are not wrong.

You are not petty.

You are not weak.

 

You are real, raw, honest and…..

You have a strong desire to grow into the life you have been waiting to experience, was my mantra.

 

When that love one died too soon.

When you felt the least loved in your family.

When you were the child of an addict.

When a parent walked out on your family.

When you were bullied.

When you were humiliated in class.

When no one stood up for you.

When there was an affair inside of your relationship.

When your best friend moved away.

When you had no one to turn to in your darkest times.

When your partner gambled away your finances.

When you were lied to by someone you trusted.

When a business partner blind sided you.

When the company you have given years to let you go.

When you were the reason they used, to justify their actions.

 

Betrayal, becomes lodged deep within.

Quickly it transforms into loneliness, resentment, anger, fear, guilt, shame and feeling of unworthiness.

Our voice becoming silenced.

Our heart becoming protected.

 

Unsafe to trust.

Unwilling to love again.

Building a wall up.

Playing it safe.

Not getting to close.

Not allowing ourselves to have to much fun.

Not wanting to smile to big or laugh to loud.

 

It’s effects are experienced day in and day out…. inside of every interaction.

 

Looking deep within, with a childlike curiosity and acknowledging… YES

He betrayed me by dying.

Her gossiping left me feeling betrayed.

Dad betrayed me when he left.

 

You are allowed, I am allowed, we are allowed.

 

Worthy and allowed to feel exactly how we feel.

No one can say “that” is not betrayal.

No one can say “I did not betray” you.

No one can tell you, “you are wrong”.

 

“An internal experience which creates an external reality, having life altering and long lasting effects.  Betrayal” – Angie Peladeau

 

The first steps of releasing it’s grip is, feeling where and how it has lived in your life, recognizing where has it been hiding out?

 

Allowing yourself to feel as you feel, with a deepened understanding that – it is not wrong.

 

Acknowledging the impact is has had on your life and in your relationships.

 

And then once you feel yourself allowing it to be seen fully, ask yourself….

 

Am I now ready to release the loneliness, resentment, anger, fear, guilt, shame and feeling of unworthiness that it has created within me.

Am I ready to:

   >> Feel safe to trust.

   >> Love again.

   >> Break through that wall.

   >> Live fully.

   >> Let others in closer.

   >> Experience joy fully.

   >> Smile so much that it hurts and laugh the deepest belly laughs.

 

Are you ready for all of that?