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Years ago, my fear of being considered “too much” stopped me from giving my heart to someone I loved deeply, someone I was connected with.
I played the game of love because that’s precisely what it’s viewed as—a game. And I lost.
I learned quickly that we don’t regret the people we loved, we regret the people we didn’t love—the people we didn’t say I love you to. I have endured many broken hearts, but that one was the worst. It was the pain of breaking my own heart. I felt empty because I loved against my truth.
People always telling me that my emotions got in the way of love made me feel ashamed. My extreme emotions were wrong, so I suppressed them.
Don’t say I love you because it will push them away!
Don’t talk about ____ because they might get turned off!
He or she will want you more if you don’t reply to their text!
This all equates to one thing: don’t be honest.
When I came forward about living with bipolar disorder, and my truth blossomed, so did the “too much” lover within me. Now I wear those words with pride, and so should you.
People associate love with scary things like a serious commitment, giving up your lifestyle, engagement rings, moving in and buying a dog, purchasing a house, and getting married. We attach it to these frightening pressures.
I don’t know about you, but in my life, “I love you” means precisely that. I love you. There is no demand for a relationship or serious commitment. I am voicing my truth; it’s really for the benefit of me, not the other person. It’s something we don’t say soon or often enough. It’s words we keep to ourselves when we shouldn’t.
My argument is, and will always be, why wouldn’t I tell someone I loved them when I knew deep down in my heart I did.
Why is it that we reject love and the people who give it to us? I believe it’s because people live in a time when loving yourself is near impossible. Accepting love feels undeserving. We look for the surface to fill us up instead of things that are pure and real in this world—love being one of those things.
It’s a beautiful thing to know that you are loved regardless of how you feel. It is rare to come by a person who makes you feel genuinely loved for every part of yourself, whether it’s too much or too soon. If you get lucky enough to meet one of these people, be grateful.
The truth is love is not calculated. Love is not linear, but we love as if it were. Connections are formed without reason. Bonds come about without logic.
The Beauty of the “Too Much” Lover
Those of us who love like this, we are the ones who give ourselves away knowing the consequences. Knowing that we could have our heart ripped out, yet we still walk up to the line willingly and place our hearts there gently. And in my opinion, that’s bold. It’s not insane; it’s brave.
Those of us who love too much, we aren’t scared, we don’t fear it—and maybe we should—but time and time again we still show up vulnerable awaiting to love again. That doesn’t make us unlovable; it makes us unforgettable.
Alright, maybe you overreacted or overanalyzed the situation. Perhaps you felt insecure and voiced it because your emotions consumed you. Okay, it’s something to be aware of, but it’s not something to feel bad about.
No one is perfect in a relationship, and of course, there is a line. If you are crying every day because your boyfriend or girlfriend liked someone’s picture on social media or didn’t text you back quick enough, yeah that’s a lot. If you are continually making a scene because of something little, then yeah that’s a problem. But I think for most of us, it’s just that we love without a timeline or a guideline. If we feel it, we say it, we act on it.
I’m sorry, but what the f*ck is wrong with that?
Seriously, when you think about it, what is it that you are truly guilty of? Did you harm them physically? Did you manipulate them? Did you lie? Yeah sure, if you did one or all of those things, why should someone stay with you? Or was it just that your anxious thoughts and emotions got in the way of you communicating something? Did you confess your love when it was considered to be too soon? This is nothing to beat yourself up about, and I refuse to believe otherwise.
However, what we are guilty of is punishing ourselves.
If someone is only willing to love the parts of you that cater to their beliefs about love, then show them the door. My emotions, whether extreme or not, are essential to who I am. It fuels my light as well as my darkness, and you’ve got to take both if you want me at all.
Always Choose Love
I have learned to be more particular about whom I give my heart to, but I will always be at the line, fighting for it, because I believe that if there is anything we should leap for, it’s love.
Every single day is precious, so if you are holding back because you fear getting rejected or giving yourself away, my advice is that the moment you stop reading this, you go for it.
The only tragic love story is the one that never occurred.