Could you tell us a bit about why you think you’re a good fit for this position?
Sure, yeah, so—I mean, I like sex. It’s great. I have 10 years of experience now, and I have worked with and learned from a number of really inspiring people. And, I strive to improve. Oh! And I work well in a team. I’ve got great managerial skills, but I also know how to listen when I’m wrong.
Why is there a gap here in your sexual history?
Well, after my last sexual partner left me, I decided to take a gap year and learn from just watching others—really, I just needed to get back in touch with myself so I could be a better partner in the future.
How did you first hear about sex?
Well, I think I always knew about sex—you know, like I was made for it. When I was five, I used to lay in bed naked and imagine that girls from my class would fall on top of me and we’d just roll around. The actual penetration part came much later, but you could say it has always been a part of me, you know, like it’s in my nature or something.
Why do you want to have sex?
I don’t want to just say, “it feels good,” I know you guys probably get that answer a lot—and I’m not saying procrastination, but—oh, yeah, sorry—PRO-creation, yeah, I am not saying that either, just I feel it is something we should all do, you know, to help each other. Yeah, I want to help people! That’s it.
Why should someone have sex with you?
I shower often.
What are your greatest professional sex strengths?
Well, you know they say that the tongue is the strongest muscle in the body—heh—ahem, uh, yeah…I mean, I am a true partner, really open to working together. Teamwork, you know.
What are your weaknesses in sex?
Sleep is a big thing for me as I’ve gotten older. Not that I’d fall asleep during sex, no—but sometimes I just want to sleep or watch Netflix or something, but I promise, when I am there, I am 100 percent there to work.
What is your greatest sexual achievement?
When I first started sex, I was a bit flabby and weak—it wasn’t a good look. So, I’d say my greatest achievement was the first time I was able to lift someone during sex. What?—No, I mean, yeah I only dropped her once, but there was a couch and so I learned my limits too, another achievement, wow—two in one, learning a lot about myself here already.
Tell us about a challenge or conflict you’ve faced during sex, and how you dealt with it.
You know how it goes with my partner here—what? Yes, yes, that’s right, I mean my penis. He sometimes he gets tired, or nervous. He didn’t use to always be a team player, he’d be ready for sex at random times, then plop out on me when it counted—don’t worry though, we have a great working relationship now, but there used to be times where he’d be difficult and that actually taught me some valuable management skills; I’d sit with him in the bathroom and just talk.
I used to yell, but I learned that didn’t do either of us any good, so I faced the challenge head-on, listened to his concerns about sleep, eating too much pasta, and the embarrassment of minor social faux pas. Now, we don’t even need to talk, it’s like we’re connected, you know?
Where do you see yourself having sex in five years?
Well, if there is room for advancement here, I hope to stay on board, get better, learn from my colleagues, you know?
What is your ideal sexual experience?
Toys. Lots of toys. And a cat—no, not involved—but with my last partner we had a cat and he used to watch every time…and, I guess I got used to it.
What type of sex environment do you prefer?
I am open to all environments, my only preference is that I work as part of a team—I can work alone, but I prefer to be a part of a team, having someone to bounce ideas off of.
How would your ex sex-partners describe you?
Hmm, I think they’d say I am an inside of the box thinker—hah—uh, sorry, I mean, I think they’d say I am creative, driven, not afraid to get my hands dirty.
What is a time where you disagreed with a decision made during sex?
There is an ever-growing list of objects that I allow to be put into certain parts of my anatomy—a Jumbo Sharpie did not make it onto that list.
Good, now just to make sure you can think on your feet. How many tennis balls can you fit in a limousine?
Depends on how many people are having sex in the limousine.
Now, if you get the job, would you be looking for a full-time placement or just freelance?
Well, to be honest, I’ve done the nine-to-five in the past and if it works for you guys, I’d love to start off with freelancing and see where it goes from there.
I think we’re almost done here. Do you have any questions for us?
So…do you want to have sex?