Have you heard sentences like, “(S)he gives me so much pleasure,” or “I gave her the orgasm of her life”?
What does pleasure feel like in your body? Who is the one creating pleasure here?
It seems like the pleasure, or orgasm, was created not by the person who experienced it, but the other person.
Thankfully, that’s not true. Fulfilling orgasms and pleasure aren’t something that a person either has or has not, but it is a skill. We can learn how to have more fulfilling orgasms, and it gives us all the power over our sexuality back.
Sensations are created in the body of the person feeling the sensations.
Pleasure is created in the body of the person feeling the pleasure.
Orgasms are created in the body of the person feeling the orgasms.
Where else would it come from?
Does the stone give me pain when I hit my toe on it? No, my body creates pain.
My partner does not create pleasure when (s)he touches my body. I might find it highly pleasurable, or I might dislike the same touch. This might be because I’m not in the mood, I’m not warmed up enough for intensive touch, I don’t want this person to touch me now, or I don’t allow myself to feel pleasure. Same touch, different perception.
Pleasure is something that happens internally, and it can be suppressed, but it can also be enhanced.
So, what can we do to have more fulfilling pleasure experiences and orgasms? A lot. We already have everything we need to experience the pleasure we want (yes, also you).
Let’s start with the fundamental skills that are easy to practice and highly effective:
1. Be present in your body and notice the sensations.
Take a deep breath and focus on your body.
Which sensations do you notice? Do you feel the air flow into your lungs and your chest expanding? How would you describe those sensations? What else do you notice in your body? Do you feel warmth, tingling, pain, tension, pressure, relaxation? Where do you feel that?
What sensations do you notice in your pussy? Stay present with them. What else do you feel? Stay with the sensations.
2. Self-pleasure slowly, relaxed, and without a goal.
Slowness is the key. Slowing down helps you to stay in the present moment and helps you to notice the sensations in your body. Give yourself time for pleasure. You are worth it.
Relaxed arousal was a game changer for me. I was used to contracting my pelvic floor muscles in order to orgasm. I did this for many years, so it took focus and determination to relax and risk not reaching an orgasm. It paid off.
Orgasms that come from a relaxed body feel softer, stronger, deeper, and more profound and pleasurable that those coming from tension. Don’t skip this part!
Do you usually have a goal during sex or self-pleasuring? This could be having an orgasm, reaching a certain level of pleasure in x minutes, or something else.
What if you let go of the goal today? What if you go into the experience with curiosity and an open mind? Or you change the goal to “I want to surrender to the moment, explore my body, and be curious about what will happen.” You can also call it intention.
Deep breaths help a lot for relaxation, slowing down, and staying with the sensations.
3. Distribute your pleasure in your body and use your breath, movement, and sound.
Feel your turn on in your pussy and invite it to spread to your belly. Use your hands to distribute your sexual energy from your center to other parts of your body. Breathe deeply into your pleasure, build it with your breath, and breathe it down your legs and up your torso. Allow your body to move and your voice to sound freely.
Don’t worry what it looks or sounds like; it doesn’t matter (unless you are filming mainstream porn). Instead, do what feels good and let your beautiful body enhance the pleasure with free movement, sounding, breathing, and relaxing.
I recommend practicing alone first. Self-pleasuring will provide you the space to focus on yourself with limited distractions; reduce the need to perform; experiment with something new, like sounding or a new position; and take the time that you need.
Sexuality can be a path to freedom.
Trust your body. She knows.