When talking about sex work, people often raise the argument “this is not a job like any other”, which is true (each profession is unique, but some are unique in their own special, eye-catching way). However for sex work, this statement is always expressed in a negative context. Recently, I expressed to those who did not understand that stigmatising sex work had a very negative impact on people in the industry. However, they tried to tell me that I was insensitive to my colleague who works for an agency and hates sex work. They broke off contact with me and I expressed that in my opinion that was the end of the discussion. My Last Word turned out to be so interesting that I will devote a separate entry to it:

Do you want a final proof that this is NOT a job like any other? Imagine a job that pays well and does not require any education, isn’t it obvious that many would give up their work and flock to that one? Why is this not the case when it comes to prostitution? The answer is obvious.

Education for sex workers

Graciously I will omit the paragraph about the fact that people are encouraged to work by the promise of high wages, adequate education and earning an easy buck. I will focus on sex workers and education. Does this seem like an impossibility?

In the near future, I be attending a foreign interpersonal training course for people working with human sexuality, which is attended by a wide variety of people and professionals, from sexologists to sex workers. I will not disclose the payment details of this course, although I can tell you that it is not paid for in dollars. I always make a point of investing in interpersonal training whenever I can. In general, I put a lot of money into my own development, giving priority to what I deem to be useful for my work. This has enabled me to raise my prices recently, even though I was distancing myself from the “barely legal” beautiful blonde image (a year and a half ago the financial simulation I ran showed that this image wouldn’t be sufficient to earn me enough money to rent a meeting flat). These financial simulations have allowed me to make better choices, allowing me to rise above the financial difficulty I was facing two and a half years ago. Whilst age and beauty carry a lot of weight in this industry, they are by no means everything and they do not guarantee success. You also need to have a little more underneath your head of hair!

Sex Work and Trauma

I am doing quite well in an industry that carries with it serious social stigma. This is because I no longer base my self-esteem on what others think about me (or what they might think if they knew about my profession). This is a lesson I learnt in my teenage years. Basically, “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” I also worked on the disclosure of sensitive information about myself, whether it was self-disclosure or if I was outed by someone else. Sex work is not the only thing that distinguishes me from society, as I have also shared about my experience with polyamory. However, this is still not the complete information due to my childhood experiences.

I have also undertaken customer service training, particularly dealing with difficult clients. It was a professional job training and I kept learning various skills until working with the client became second nature. I still have my weaknesses, but generally I am able to handle difficult clients with relative ease. My communication skills are above average and I am sufficiently assertive, skills that are absolutely necessary in this line of work. I have also mastered some negotiation skills that come in handy when I am dealing with emotionally unstable people; I don’t seem to provoke them any further. I can easily recognise a potentially violent client and I am usually able pacify him.

This is a sensitive subject, as it carries the notes of “blaming the victim”, but because of my interpersonal skills, I’m now much less likely to be in potentially dangerous situations. I was completely inexperienced with my first clients and I have many recollections of unpleasant encounters. I am able to take care of myself through various mechanisms I have set in place, unlike most of my colleagues in the industry. Setting up security measures, concrete boundaries and effectively handling a difficult situation (e.g. a customer with cancer or falling in love with the customer) are just some of the systems I have set in place. I learnt about creation of sexual boundaries through special courses and I don’t regret any penny I spent on these courses as the ability to trust your inner “yes” and “no” is priceless.

Let’s remember that even before I started sexual work I experienced serious sexual violence multiple times. I came out of this and did not play the victim card. What’s more, I can set boundaries and still maintain the role of a nice, willing and accepting partner. These are highly valuable skills, just like the ability to ask for help and, in general, to gather around me groups of loved ones who know, accept and support me despite my career choice. These are not skills we are born with, and I have come to rely on them a lot as an adult.

Learning about sex

I’m not a sensitive girl who burns with shame and indignation and asks herself how she could have fallen so low when asked about a particular special service. I don’t usually accept all offers. If I don’t want to do it, I calmly say “I don’t do it” (this was a difficult lesson, because a few years ago I was a yes girl and I had no idea how to deal with the fact that someone was willing to pay to have sex with me). Additionally, it’s hard to surprise or shock me as I am very tolerant. I like to read books that cover different sexual spectrums and topics (I like pro-sex blogs) and I am not embarrassed to talk about intimate matters. Of course, I also know a lot of cool sexual tricks and although I am no longer aware of them, this is something that people are usually excited by. Being good in bed is not the most important thing in this industry.

Another important skill is that of finding something attractive in every client. People wonder about how terrible it has to be to have sex with “old, nasty grandfathers” (which by the way is terrible sexism: put women aged 40+ in this place and choose similar vocabulary and witness the outrage). I have nice men in the mature and older age group as clients and I have to provide the best service for them also. I recently realized that this career is not about happiness, but about the acquisition of the right perspective. I can find something that makes me feel sexually drawn to almost anyone. However, this is strictly a professional skill, because in my private life I am not a nymphomaniac. I like sex, but with selected people. However, if someone is my client, I look at him objectively in order to find something sexually appealing about him. My attitude undoubtedly changes a lot, allowing the client to feel comfortable.

Another seriously underestimated skill I had to master was the art of clothing and makeup. I used to look tragic and would feel just as I looked. I was really happy when a manager valued an hour with me at 200 zlotys, although I would have gladly paid half for it myself. Recently, my friend, with whom I went shopping, appreciated my ability to choose clothes that flatter my frame. More and more often I hear compliments about my make-up, often combined with the statement, “I don’t know how to do that.” I’m far from being an expert, but these are skills that I’ve worked hard to master. I also paid for make-up lessons as video tutorials were not helpful for me. Other skills that I had to develop (and in which I am not an expert, but which I have to some experience) are copywriting, marketing, brand management, finance (oh, this unpredictable budget) and time management (although I am yet to master this one). These skills will definitely be included in my CV when the need arises. If it were not for these skills I have learnt, sex work would not only be difficult and frustrating for me, but also traumatic. This is the experience that majority of the women are facing. Unexperienced sex workers often pack up in difficult situations, cannot cope with the so-called difficult customers, and this makes it easier for these clients to take advantage of the situation, with negative impact on the sex worker. My skills allow me to avoid most of the potentially traumatic situations.

Recently, I have heard from a few people (outside the industry) that I am a role model in caring for myself: I constantly check if I am good, and if I am not, I express my discomfort and surround myself with care and support. A few years ago I was naive and often lied to myself that it was OK when it was obviously not. I also expressed the issues I was facing, but unfortunately this was to the wrong people who offered no support, and I ended up having to deal with my issues alone. This is what my colleagues from the agency did – those who couldn’t cope.

Conclusion

I don’t think that learning the skills I have will enable others to like sex work, or that removing stigma from the profession will cause people who hate sex for money with strangers to change their feelings about the activity itself. However, both would have a huge impact on the welfare of female and male sex workers and their ability to leave the profession when they want to join the formal workforce. Currently, it is virtually impossible to find good work without prior documented experience, training or support and a secret life (imposed by society through stigmatization) simply increases the trauma experienced by my colleagues. These conditions are also very unfavorable to those who would have liked the chance to like this job. After all, time is always discouraging.