Do I miss partying?
Hmm. I have been thinking on this, this weekend.
Around New Years & times when night life is live & amped up & when there is dressing up & going out & parties with all the drinks & photos with all the “cheers” moments… I sometimes have feels slide up.
So, I’ve been processing and getting real honest with myself.
Dividing the feels and sorting them out.
I am not an alcoholic or pill addict- I honor all in recovery & think they are some of the fiercest and bravest of souls.
I’ve chosen to live a sober lifestyle because I leaned on it heavily when feels should have been felt instead of numbed & I realize I used it as a buffer to my healing & a route to take when I had felt enough & needed to “check out.”
I also have rebelliously and fiercely chosen alcohol and pills since I was 18 & I found myself not really capable of having just one without my mind contemplating for the next few hours how many more I should or shouldn’t have — and in many cases continuing to get tanked purely on purpose.
I also had begun to associate relationships with booze. I was in a very toxic relationship that I only was in if I had a drink in my hand, a cigarette in my grasp to relieve anxiety & the knowledge that I would tap out atleast by being typsy to coat all the shame, the grief, the sadness & to be able to tackle all I knew that the time together would encompass.
Many many rough nights- MANY.
Some of you experienced this with me.
Many things I shouldn’t have said, many things I should’ve said sober, many “can you come get me’s”, many regretful nights, lost phones and wallets, and scary moments & even scarier and sad mornings
So, when I chose to walk away from it all — I realized what an impact it had on my life in its absence. I realized how many times I would cognitively go there to be heard, felt, understood & to escape & that in itself was enough to realize I needed to tap out of all of it to sort it all out and only lean on myself & other alternative healthy ways to cope.
So, do I miss partying?
Honestly, no – because I can dress up & get on the dance floor with a red bull or mocktail in my hand & killl it dancing and have an absolute blast.
I’m cool with everyone at the table ordering a drink & me sipping on something else because I now surround myself with people that I’m so cool with sitting with sober & feeling fierce as I am for who I am.
But what I do miss at times – is the escape.
Not the mixed drink in the shower while the music is blaring or the 3 wines at dinner or the tipsy confidence you get to talk to others you wouldn’t normally or step into a fierceness that you feel unworthy to sober … nah, none of that.
What I miss is the ability I had to CHECK THE F OUT.
Shew. Feeling is HARD. SO HARD
& when you avoided it for years – dude, there’s a lot of feeling waiting for you.
I mean how nice that I was able to rock out a tight dress, wobble around in some uncomfortable shoes, dance, fall a few times, get up on bars or power down some beers or a mixed drink in a croweded bar & not one single person know I was legit running from my whole life while taking selfies – how nice.
Today, I show up & you can see it on my face
Today, you can text and know, if you know me, if I’m in my feels
Today, I get rattled by something & I gotta hit the gym or journal or write or something
Today, I gotta adddresssss allllllll this
Today, I show up everyday & have no idea what’s going to rattle me, love me, or speak to me
Today, I don’t smoke, drink, snort pills
Today, I show up in all the feels
Today, I FEEEL.
& it’s hella hard & beautiful and the legit hardest thing I’ve ever done.
For years – I numbed & due to that I have had years of hard healing feeling work to do
I don’t miss partying …. some days I miss avoiding and running & that’s my truth
But this woman won’t pick up a cigarette again because of how freaking hard it was to quit, just like this woman also won’t choose drinking again until I know it’s something I can do in a healthy way.
Feeling has changed the woman I am completely.
In these past few years of doing this sober lifestyle thing I have felt emotions in a way that I can honestly say I have never felt in my entire life & in a capacity that has rocked me to my core.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to drink again- that also carries a weird feeling but I also know That the people that love me most saw changes and we’re proud and honor this lifestyle I have chosen because they now get me, all of me, no sugar coating.
So, if I show up in all my feels tell me your proud of me, if I’m angry and get short ask me what is up & if I’m in my “stuff”, if I love on you know that it’s so very intentional and authentic and something I feel to my core, if I engage with you know there is no “high” but the high my soul feels from connecting with you & if I tell you “I feel some type of way” tell me “good – your suppose to.”
So though I miss, at times, numbing – it’s only because I know the bravery in healing & that I’m about to trudge hard to find the beauty by feeling through it.
So, I’m four years in- and you’ll still catch me on days where it’s clear I’m in some feels.
Realize now I’m ready to talk about it & if I say I’m not …. tell me I chose this to do hard things, so challenge me to continue to show up …. and ask me what I plan to do next.
So here I am realizing I thought of booze today but only because I’m doing my feeling work.
& writing just helped me cope ??
The Soul Grind