DEAR MENOPAUSE,

We need to work on our relationship because there seems to be some miscommunication.

When I said I liked the heat – I was referring to my feet on a sandy beach, the cool sand between my toes and the warmth of the sun upon my face as I stare up to heaven. I did not mean crank up the thermostat is an air conditioned room so high that I suddenly must immediately to strip off my bra from under my sundress in a highly populated hell which was actually The Mandarin.

Thank you hormones and very uncomfortable and confused waiter who found it on the table, but you could have waited for winter to turn up this furnace and that boy, well he will never forget you.

When I said I liked to eat – I was referring to pasta and sweets; the tangy taste of ripe pressed fresh tomato sauce over homemade cannelloni and silky milk chocolate truffles. I did not mean Brussels sprouts or any other item in the health food section.

Thank you hormones for who helping to raise my cholesterol. I respect your parenting style but I do not approve.

When I said I wished I had big breasts – I was referring to lifted, tucked, never requiring a bra which I avoid at all costs. I did not mean swell like a lactating new Mom nor pull them from my pectorals like using my pinky finger to break the suction seal of a hungry infant.

Thank you Hormones for bringing me from an A cup to a D cup then back a B cup or tube sock that would work easily as well. We have arrived at ‘no cup necessary’ – buy a belt.

When I said I wished I had a nicer stomach – I was referring to decent enough abs to sport a belly button ring not ring that would one may latch a rope to, to pull a cow across the desert. I did not mean looking 3-5 months pregnant every damn day, at an age where I can no longer use my pre or post baby body as reasoning.

Thank you Hormones, for allowing me to eat as much cheesecake as I want, because screw it I’m gonna bloat like an overfilled water balloon regardless.

When I said I looked forward to the day when I no longer had to purchase maxi pads or iron supplements – I was not referring to the replacement price of bladder leak shields and a lifetime supply of lubricants.

Thank you Hormones for reminding me that as long as your around and kicking, there will always be a cost.

When I said I couldn’t wait to not have acne or require benzoyl – peroxide every night before bed – I was not referring to switching that up with Oil of Olay anti- aging wrinkle cream and far too expensive firming ( fake news ) body butter.

Thank you hormones for crows feet across my forehead and laugh lines that stretch from lip to cheek that make me look like the Joker and most especially for all those people who tell me I should smile more, until those wrinkles become more permanent than a face tattoo.

When I said I couldn’t wait to not have PMS 2 weeks out of the month – I was not referring to having those same erratic emotions 365 days a year, cycling on a daily, often hourly basis.

Thank you Hormones for doing the introduction between myself and my therapist. We are keeping her in business.

And finally dear Menopause, when I said I couldn’t wait to get older and wiser enough to forget those things in my past or to give less F’s going forward – I was not referring to forgetting my keys, my debit card, my glasses that are on my head, my phone that is in the palm of my own hand, my train of thought. how to spell words I learned in grade 2 or even where I left my F’s in the first place – ya sick bastard!

Thank you hormones for not being early onset dementia or psychosis, but I still need my brain back, so if you can please remove it from your grip on my shrivelled up ovaries?

I’d be ever so grateful.

WARMEST Regards from your Menopausal Trauma Queen,

Christina Lepore xoxo