Complete this sentence: “If you really really knew me, you’d know that… .”

Now imagine sharing that information with someone you’d never met before. How would that feel? Scary? Nervous? Awkward? Or would it feel exciting to you? Exhilarating? Maybe even freeing?

I recently heard this sentence on Jay Shetty’s podcast On Purpose and have been thinking about it since.

How often do we really share information about ourselves with others? Information that goes beyond the small talk of how you’re doing and what you’ve been up to. How often do you let yourself be seen for who you really are deep down?

For me, it’s something I practice more and more, because I know that vulnerability creates deeper connection.

“Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.” ~ Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

Sharing my feelings, my passions and strengths, but also my struggles, isn’t something that comes to me naturally. And, if you’re reading this article, odds are it doesn’t to you either.

But we can change this—one courageous step at a time. And, in doing so, we can encourage others to do the same.

From coaching myself and other women through this, I know that being our true authentic selves, no matter what other people might think, is challenging, but also very rewarding. It feels freeing to surround yourself with people that make you feel heard and seen.

But there are still a lot of people out there who don’t have this and who don’t have the courage to truly open themselves up out of fear of judgement and rejection.  It’s an issue for a lot of (but not exclusively to!) women.

 

What does socialisation have to do with it?

In the past, I struggled with fear of judgement and often felt like I didn’t “fit in”. I know I’m not alone with this!

As women we’re socialised that we should be, act, and look certain ways to be liked or accepted. We look for praise and acknowledgement and most often get it when we’re “being good”.

As women we are also often pitted against each other. We’re said to be “bitchy” or “bossy”, or the opposite: “weak” and “quiet”. That’s the message we’ve been getting since we were little and now, as adults, it can hold us back from truly connecting with each other and with ourselves.

If we believe that we’re not a “good girl” when we talk about our passions and our desires, we end up hiding them (often even from ourselves).

If we believe that we don’t have what it takes, because we’re shy or not good enough, then the odds are that we won’t even try. And because we don’t want to seem “weak”, we don’t talk about any of this with our peers either.

So we just go about our day, trying to fit in and not ruffle any feathers…

Can you see how the way we’ve been socialised as women can make it hard for us to make courageous decisions that might not be “approved” or understood by others?

Can you see how it might turn us into perfectionists that aren’t willing to fail at something or try out something no one’s ever done before?

We want to get it “right” and get praised for being a “good girl” just like when we were little. But at what cost?

 

It takes courage

Courage is the “mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty” (Merriam-Webster Dictionary). It is “the quality shown by someone who decides to do something difficult or dangerous, even though they may be afraid” (Collins Dictionary).

I think that’s where there might be some misunderstandings.

Having courage doesn’t mean that one experiences no fear at all! It’s rather to feel fear, but to not let it stop us from taking action. We can acknowledge our fears and decide not to act on it.

That’s what courageous living is all about!

Fear will always be a part of us. It won’t disappear completely but, one courageous action at a time, we’ll get better at dealing with it. And over time the discomfort eases, which in turn builds up confidence and self-belief.

Courage isn’t just taking big actions that earn you bravery awards, like saving someone else out of a dangerous situation.

It’s courageous to stand up for yourself and do the things you love despite what other people might think.

It’s courageous to pursue your dreams even if there’s a chance that you might fail.

It’s courageous to have and maintain personal boundaries.

It’s courageous to be vulnerable and share your struggles with others.

“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.” ~ Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

 

Let’s make 2020 the year we choose courage over fear of judgement more often!

What courageous step will you take this week?