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January 4, 2020

The Banana Method: How to Live with Less Conflict. {Funny}

 

Conflict is inevitable.

It can make life difficult if you don’t handle it the right way. Do you have trouble getting along with others? Are you prone to react rather than listen?

Here is a simple solution to all of the problems you’ve been facing:

Pretend that you are a banana.

It works! Don’t believe me? No worries, I’ve written up some examples:

Workplace disputes: 

Do you have a problem with Becky at work? Does Becky have a problem with you? Did Becky complain about your ineptitude to your manager and now you’ve got to suffer through a lecture? It’s fine, you’re a banana. Just sit and be a banana. Bananas don’t make excuses and bananas certainly don’t say, “Well, Becky is a frigid b*tch.”

Bar confrontations:

Did someone just bump into you at the bar and then turn around and say, “Hey man, what’s your problem?” It’s fine, you don’t need to turn around and say, “No, what’s your problem, bro?” You’re a banana. Bananas don’t get punched in the face. They don’t get thrown out of bars. They might get a bit moldy after a while but then you can bake them into bread. They certainly don’t say, “Next time watch where you’re going!”

Relationship troubles:

Has your loved one had it? Did you stay out too late the night before and come home stinking of vodka and, for some reason, dog shampoo? You’re good. You’re cool. You’re a banana. Bananas just sit and listen. Bananas absorb. Bananas don’t point fingers and bring up small malfeasants from six years ago. Bananas are better than that.

Consoling friends:

Your friend has just had a horrible experience. But you’ve just had something really great happen at work and you want to tell them all about it. Before you say, “Yeah, that sucks about your cat, but—” Stop. Bananas don’t carelessly interrupt people. They are compassionate and they are great huggers.

Fights with parents:

Are you a child? Did your parents ask you to clean your room and you didn’t? Now they are yelling at you and you’re getting angry and you want to tell them off. You want to make excuses and tell them you’ll do it later. No, you’re a banana. And bananas clean their f*cking room when they’re told.

~

Enjoyed this piece? Check out my book: The King of FU.

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