During this time of confinement, your couple might either get closer or struggle even more.

We are expecting a wave of new babies and a wave of divorce.

If divorce is what you think you are heading to, then there are a few things that you need to know to prepare for it.

1- PREPARE FOR IT
The more you prepare for it, the more information you get, the better the divorce is going to go. Would you run a 4 hours marathon without training? Probably not. You will train for almost a year for it. And yet, a divorce that last months and months and change everyone’s life, most people just jump into it. They are not prepared for what’s coming ahead, the emotional roller coaster, the process, the anger, and then wonder why it is going so badly. Don’t jump into it, don’t just file. Yes, you want to stop the pain, but you have to be smart about it. Know where you are going, what you are doing before doing it.

2 – FOCUS ON THE FUTURE:
The future you want to build for you and your family.
Most couple who go through divorce focus on the pain that happened for years, and that creates more pain, more resentment and more fights. Once you focus on the future you want to create, you

When you focus on the future, you have a clear vision of who you want to be, how you want your life to be with your family. That clarity helps you take the actions you need to take to create that life.

3- THE END OF A MARRIAGE, NOT A FAMILY
If you have kids, you will forever be bound to each other. You will be a coparenting team and it is essential that you learn how to get along before you start the divorce process so you can have a good relationship after the divorce. Children don’t care if you are in love, they need their parents, as a team.

4- A DIVORCE IS FOREVER

While you can get out of a marriage that does not work (exit door: divorce), there is no exit door when you are divorced. You are in it forever with your coparent. It’s like being in a cage. Who do you want to be in with? An angry bear or a nice kitten?

5- THERE ARE DIFFERENT WAYS OF DIVORCING
There is the typical way with lawyers that usually create more fights, that costs enormous amount of money, that breaks the family apart, AND there is the amicable way that costs a whole lot less, less fighting, and where you both work together toward a common goal: The happiness of the children (which then brings you peace and your own happiness). The more fights, the more destructive, the more expensive.

6- A DIVORCE IS MOSTLY ABOUT MONEY AND EMOTIONS.

No one ever fights about the law. Couple fights about the pain and about money. So make sure that you work with people who are specialists in those area (A divorce coach like me to help you handle the emotional aspect of it, and a CDFA- certified divorce financial analyst- a person who understand money and is looking out for your and your family for the future.

7- AN AMICABLE DIVORCE DOES NOT START WITH 2 PEOPLE

Very often I hear that you have to be 2 to have an amicable divorce. It starts with one person! You! And then you become the leader of the vision and sell that vision to your spouse. The more he/she understands why it is in her/his best interest, the more s/he going to say yes. But it has to only start with one person.

8- BE THE STRONGEST YOU WILL EVER BE

Divorce is one of the most stressful event in one’s life. You need to be strong emotionally so you can be there for your kids and for yourself.

9- KNOW WHO TO ASK ADVICE TO

Many talk to their friends and families to get advice. Think about who is giving you advice. Have they gone through divorce? Do they have a good divorce or bad one?
Would you talk to a foot doctor if something was wrong with your nose? No!! So, if a good divorce is what you want, then you need to talk to the people who have a good divorce and good relationship with their coparent for guidance.

10- DIVORCED COMMUNICATION IS NOT THE SAME A MARRIED COMMUNICATION

Most couples have not been able to communicate effectively during their marriage  and keep doing the same during their after divorce life. It does not work!! It did not work when you were married, trust me, it will work even less when you will be divorced. The communication is different, you need to learn it to you can achieve peace and agreement. It becomes very much like a business communication, the business being the family. It’s no longer about who is right or wrong or who did what. It’s about working toward a common goal (the children), together but apart.

Of course a great marriage is always the best, but if you are in an unhealthy marriage, divorce can be a good thing for everyone, a new chance to happiness, if done properly. You have a choice on how it goes.

 

 

Sandrine Perradin
Author of “A Family No Matter What”
Divorce coach at www.BeautifulDivorce.com