The world is an intense place right now, am I right?

Everyone has an opinion about COVID-19 and how we should conduct ourselves. People are posting stats and news left and right, and the comments back and forth can be difficult to read.

Effective, non-violent communication can make it possible for each of us to feel heard and valued while also being able to respond to the less than tasteful comments in a way that feels good for us and invites further conversation.

 

Let’s use this example –

Sarah shares an article she found online that states some statistics about COVID-19 and that it’s a big deal and we should follow the social distancing protocol that are being put into effect.

Her Facebook friend, Mira, responds back in the comments, telling her that she’s being stupid and that she’s encouraging media fear mongering.

 

Sarah has two choices – approach with love, or approach with anger.

Neither way is “wrong.”

Approaching with fear or anger could turn into a debate that often leaves neither party feeling satisfied, and may lead to “unfriending” and long term damage of a relationship.

Approaching with love allows thoughtful conversation and a health repartee that either leads to further appreciation of each other, or in the least, productive conflict.

 

To approach from a place of love, Sarah might try these four steps:

1. Back away from the keyboard – take some time to breathe, process, and step away for a few. Emotional responses are what happen when we reply quickly, based on our first impulses. There is no response that can’t wait for a more composed demeanor.
2. Thank Mira for her feedback – whether or not Sarah agrees with what was said, there is only ever one correct response when someone provides feedback, and that is to say, “thank you.” Saying thank you does not mean one agrees with the statement made; it simply acknowledges that the person took time out of his or her day to contribute to the conversation.
3. Acknowledge with empathy – this doesn’t necessarily look like saying, “I understand,” or, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Empathy is one of the most crucial and yet most missed components of productive conflict. Acknowledging simply means seeing how the situation might be impacting the other person and stating that outright. In this example, it could look like Sarah saying, “I can tell you feel passionately about this topic.” Empathy simply looks like an action (I see, I can tell, I noticed) followed by a description that typically includes some form of emotion (your passion for this topic, that this is upsetting you, that this seems to be bringing up a strong response for you, i.e.)
4. Ask a question – Franklin Covey said, “seek first to understand then be understood.” This allows you to further see into where the other person is coming from, and shows that you are a kind, compassionate person who wants to better understand the other person’s view of the world. In this scenario, Sarah might ask, “what has you feeling like the article I shared is creating a culture of fear?”

After this, it’s wash, rinse, and repeat, until both parties feel they’ve been heard, or they respectfully agree to disagree.

It is also perfectly okay to end a conversation at the point where it becomes apparent that one cannot stay in inquiry any further. The most effective way to do so can be saying something like, “it sounds like we’re on different pages with this one. I so appreciate you expressing openly your views with me, and I respect our differences. Thank you for discussing with me today.”

Multiple authors have been quoted saying, “It’s better to be kind than to be right.” Productive conflict doesn’t mean giving up one’s opinion, and it can turn into a beautiful opportunity for a more tolerant world, if only we take the time to further understand where people are coming from.

And when all else fails, there’s always the “delete” or “unfriend” feature, which can be used when a conversation feels like an act in futility.

In these uncertain times, kindness is what brings us together.

When all else fails, we can choose to be kind.