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March 28, 2020

Just some public service home alone apocalypse survival notes! ;-). You’re welcome!

Just some public service home alone apocalypse survival notes. You’re welcome! 😉 🙂

*Make your bed in the morning and place a kiss on your pillow, for twill be the one that listens to you breathe when you’re in dreamlands. (And you can pretend that you’re still a civilised human being. For now!)

*If you live on your own, use your non dominant (ooh-er!) hand to masturbate with. Twill be rather like an anonymous lover has joined you!!!! (Might need some training tho. Stop the whining, what else you gonna do!?).

*Keep track of time. Let’s face it, sooner or later we won’t understand what a day is. (Thursday. What’s a Thursday!??). I highly recommend grabbing a strong knife and carving each day of confinement into the nearest wall. Only works tho if you record the exact day and date that you started. Otherwise, you’re fucked!

*It begins by not wearing a bra. Then your underpants. Finally any clothing seems pointless and obsolete. This of course is all fine. Just remember though that the engineer is calling on next Tuesday morning to fix your dodgy internet connection. See above note. You’re welcome!

*Make sure you’re keeping some of your usual habits during this time. Such as list making. Keep adding to your list everything you’re going to be doing during the apocalypse. If all you do is keep making that list, by the time this is all over, you’ll have achieved something. You’ll have made a list. One that will travel with you for all of your future lives. Until you get it all ticked off. But, you knew that right. (Quickly adds start on the list to my list. Thank you!)

*If you forget how to speak properly to other human beings, a particular, and common, issue during online ‘serious’ meetings, the best advice I can offer is, to simply grab the nearest reading material, and to each question asked of you, just answer by reading out a random sentence. Not only will you still be engaged in proper conversing, but you’ll be noted as obviously highly competent and intelligent under end of the world pressure! (Quite frankly your cereal box or the label on that wine bottle would do the trick pretty fine!) Good luck with the promotion. Rooting for you!

*Hair today, gone tomorrow. Or not actually as your local bikini waxing salon ain’t gonna save your sweet ass(ets) right now! So, what’s a girl, or guy, to do!? To be quite honest, it’s a battle you’re going to lose. To hide the unsightly, ungodly hairs, try masking tape. Just stick it liberally all the way from your crotch to just above your knees. I dont suggest you go below your knees because this may impede your exercise of, erm, choice: running. (See the note below. You’re welcome!). If you’re feeling brave, and bored, then I highly suggest such fun activities that you need self isolation induced feral pubic hair for, such as that childhood favourite, cat’s cradle (though Holy Jesus don’t let your cat too near!).

*Take up running. It’s time. Because obviously you’ve always secretly yearned to run. Each time one of these people has passed you on the street (run on the road for gods sake!!! The pavement is for people who don’t do running!! Sigh!), your slight mocking of them has been to cover up your deep desire to be one of those muppets! Start slow. Actually start right now. Yes. Now. I dont care if you’re in the bath, cooking, running a zoom yoga class for 50 folk, or masturbating, there’s no time to lose!! All you have to do is lift one knee up. No. Higher. Higher. That’s it. Now straighten that leg and lift the other. Higher. Higher. You’re on lockdown, your knees should still work (for now). Good. Now repeat. Left, right, left, right. Excellent. Well done. All you need to do now to become a real runner is to, firstly, stand up, and then, speed it up. Bloody brilliant. Tomorrow you can try it outside. On a fuckin pavement!!!! Or not. Your choice. You. Are. In. Control.

*Missing have a friend around? Make friends with an inanimate object. Call it Tom Hanks, after, erm, Tom Hank’s character from Castaway. If you have some to hand stick googly eyes on it. If there’s none to hand then draw some eyes on it with your eyeliner (you don’t need that anymore. That shits for places like bars and clubs. If you’ve forgotten what they are then I suggest ‘Coyote Ugly’ and ’24 hour party people’ for research.) It’s important that you start out slow with your new companion. Going straight in for a much needed hug is inappropriate. Begin to get to know your new friend with some basic dating questions like, ‘What do you do?’, ‘Do you come here often?’, or, ‘Aren’t you going to buy me a drink then!!?’. I’d suggest leaving discussing politics or religion out of it. Your spatula/flip flop probably won’t be able to answer these more complex questions. They’re not human. For now….

(So so so much love to you all. Be gentle with your sweet selves. You are loved.)
P.S. If there’s any pressing information or advice I could help you with for my next public service announcement, then do let me know below, and I’m sure I can help you at this time. In service. To your sanity. Always! X

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