May 26, 2020

My Shadow Side has Shown Up: Get Still & Feel during COVID-19.


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During this void we find ourselves in, I’ve been in Guatemala, stuck here after its borders closed the day after I arrived.

It has been quite the interesting and intense ride. While here, I have gotten the opportunity to see old patterns, old stories, traumas in this life, past lives, and even in dream space so that I could feel the full spectrum of feels.

I can now see myself more fully and really feel the undercurrent of stress and pain I’ve felt essentially my whole life, bringing it to the surface to examine and evaluate, all the while feeling held and comfortable for these feelings to be witnessed. This time is giving us the gift to get still and feel.

These little tinges, traces, shades that were deeply embedded in me are made up of fear, pain, sadness, grief, and anger. This is my shadow side that I haven’t given enough attention to. It is so normal to have these emotions and feelings, to have a shadow side, and yet it can be hard to look at when we get distracted with our day-to-day doings. Sometimes it’s as if it’s not even there and other times, it’s electric and vibrating. Well, thanks to COVID-19, my shadow side has shown up, bearing beautiful gifts.

During this pause we are in, I get to see me. All of me. With compassion. Witnessing the duality. My knowing and confusion. My rage and bliss. My wants and impulses. My light and my shadow. What is a shadow, but something we want to keep hidden so that we don’t have to feel or acknowledge some little part of us? Is it because we’re ashamed? Or embarrassed? Or afraid of it? It is the unconscious side of us and everyone has this in them. It is a gift to transmute. This side simply needs to be seen, felt, integrated for us to feel whole and balanced.

I cast light on these parts of me. My shadow is no longer in the dark. I know that that is not me and it is part of the entire fabric of my human vessel. I get to hold all parts of me close. By holding my sadness close, I can cry, release, and feel more bliss and joy more fully! And I can find balance, not having to live in extreme sadness or extreme bliss but rather, integrate all of it to feel more whole and content.

I can feel anger and rage and examine why, so that I can set better boundaries for myself. I can see what makes me tick. What feels good and what doesn’t.

At this time, we can feel the full spectrum of emotions and feels. For me, I am open and feeling a life fully colored, fully lived—in uncertainty and surrender, pain and pleasure, in comfort and discomfort, in disruption and in flow. In unease and serenity. In disease and in health. In fear and in peace, bliss, joy, and magic! It’s been a wild ride. I am changed and changing forever. This experience has given me the opportunity to feel into my sovereignty and freedom here.

Guided by my ancestors, feeling supported, connected with the depths of my being, and with those who were meant to be guides on my journey. Each a mirror. Each a teacher with lessons for my path. I give thanks for all the experiences I’ve had, knowing that what we go through is happening for us, not to us.

I invite you to take this time during the void to go inward and welcome all parts of you. Feel into the pain, the fear, the anger, the grief. Whether these feelings are all of yours or not? Perhaps it’s fear from the collective at this time. And ask yourself, “What do I feel?” See if you can sit with those feelings! Do you feel scared? Confused? Uneasy? Sad or mad? When we acknowledge, accept, and understand how we feel, we can then accept and understand others as well. We are all unique and yet one and the same.

So feel the feels. Cry. Scream into a pillow if you have neighbors. Hit the pillow. Stand and shake. Shake like the animals in the wild that actually shake after fighting so that they can release anxiety and be welcomed back into their group. Shake like the indigenous, shake like your ancestors did to release, and release all of that sh*t that isn’t yours to hold on to. And then embrace yourself; the light and the shadow. Dance with your shadow. Move your hips. Move like you mean to release through sweat. Free yourself and feel into the expansiveness you’ve created in your heart.

And then come back to your breath and sit. Close your eyes. Hold yourself. See the light that is you. See or imagine yourself glowing vibrantly in a healing white light, as clear conduit of the Light, anchoring in the love of the divine and mother earth, holding yourself, and telling yourself that you are safe.

You are supported. You don’t have to live in fear. You are loved. You are love.


My online program “The Heart of Cacao Ceremony” is open and I invite you to join me in tapping into the heart with this beautiful sacred plant medicine. You can learn more about me and cacao here and more about the course here!


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