Since I wrote my last post, “When a DNA Test Opens a Whole New World,” about finding out that I am donor conceived, many people have reached out to me to share their own DNA stories. For that, I am truly grateful. I am full when I am sharing and vulnerable and connecting with others. It’s the only way I know. The more I release my truth, the more I am able to embrace the truth of others. To me, that is the ultimate cycle that I want to be a part of. Of course, there is a lot more to this story. There are so many aspects of this new truth that are fascinating, beautiful, layered, and complicated. I will continue to share those in my own time because, as the very wise Maya Angelou said, “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
Also as a result of writing my last post, many have asked about my being a medium– what does that mean? When did this happen? How does it feel? So, I thought I would take some time to answer some of these questions and more. First of all, I struggle with labels and “about” me sections. We are complex, and so to define what I do and what it’s called is not easy. There is overlap in the work. Essentially, I am able to feel energy and connect in all kinds of ways. The best title for what I do seems to be psychic medium– I can tap into the energy of people, places, and things, and communicate intuitively with those who are alive and with those who have passed on.
So, when did this happen and what’s it actually like to feel energy? I’ve always felt a lot and been intuitive. There is a fine line between intuition and fear, but I’ll save that for another day. As a child, I was in tune with my own pain, anxiety, sadness, etc., and that of others. When I was ten, I asked for a sign (I’m not sure of what), and a crow feather fell from the sky and landed right in front of me, though there was no bird in sight. It was at that moment that I remember actually feeling that I was receiving some sort of responsibility, and started to open myself up to it, to not be afraid. In high school and college I remember getting vibes from people in class or at the mall. I never ever said anything. I had no idea what any of it meant. I knew about astrology and even did some “readings” in my own way for friends, based mostly on things that just came to me, but I was still years away from honing my skills.
When I met my husband for the first time I asked him if he had a Scorpio grandmother who had passed away. He said yes. I said, “Well, she’s standing right behind you.” That was probably the first time the energy was connected to someone who was no longer alive. A few years later, I watched my grandfather pass away. That experience made me feel both lucky and vulnerable. I find that when you are open to feeling, you feel it all. I still wasn’t completely able to focus on all of the energy yet. And then, one summer, it got stronger and I was ready to really embrace what was happening and make connections. The first time I shared with someone I didn’t really know, was the day I learned to trust myself. I find that people come through for three main reasons: to say hello, to forgive, or to be forgiven. Knowing this, it is my job to put the pieces together.
It’s hard to explain what these pieces are, but I’ll try. Usually I see images– people, objects, colors. Sometimes I just see one letter or hear words. It’s quick. I have to figure out what things mean and try to make sense of the messages. Sometimes jewelry puts out a lot of energy, positive or negative, and I’ll need to figure out the significance of it. I might even feel my chest tighten or feel really emotional all of a sudden. Sometimes that is connected to how the person died, or is a message in itself. If a person has asked for a reading, I will prepare by sitting in silence and letting whatever wants to come in, come in. I will often write down notes. If I am the one getting the messages, I have to decide whether or not to contact the person they are intended for.
That is the hardest part–deciding whether or not to say anything. It’s not always appropriate of course, not everyone believes in this “stuff,” and I could be wrong. If I reach out, I’ve thought it all through and decided it’s worth it. More and more, I’m sharing. That’s part of the gift, knowing if and when. It’s a delicate balance. And, this is not my full time job, so I must turn it off much of the time. I cannot always be open.
It can be very overwhelming, but I’m never scared. I’m grateful. It’s part of who I am and I love that I’m trusted in this way. I’m also sensitive to the fact that this is all very personal and intimate. I’m making connections that are often private. I understand that and try so hard at all times to remember that I’m dealing with hearts and minds and lives and souls. It’s not something I take lightly. It does take a lot out of me, too, so getting rest, staying hydrated, and not taking on too much at once is vital.
If you’ve read this far, you’re probably either really freaked out, a little intrigued, or a combination of both. I totally understand. If I weren’t me, I’m not sure what I’d think. But, for me this is all very normal. If you are curious or want to know more, reach out. I’d love to talk with you.If you have this gift as well, I would love to hear your experience. Though most of what I do usually requires me to share physical space with people, I am going to try some virtual readings and see how that goes.
“Walking, I am listening to a deeper way. Suddenly all my ancestors are behind me. Be still, they say. Watch and listen. You are the result of the love of thousands.” ~ Linda Hogan