When you think you’ve had enough surprises, there can always be more.
It’s been a crazy three weeks. I lost my job and three weeks later lost my rock. What is it with men who worship you until they have you?
And then, overnight, you’re no longer interesting.
No longer worth loving. No longer worthy to keep around. It’s “we’re in this together, trust me, I’m here to help you” to “I have no space for you in my new life” in a heartbeat.
We’ve been through the ups and downs. We dodged a bullet and when we started rebuilding life, it collapsed. When the worse seemed to be over, and slowly, a glimpse of normal life back in sight… a bit of hope was all I asked for. But I guess some things are just not meant to be. And I guess I’m meant to attract people who don’t really know what they want in their life… I’m tired. Tired of believing, tired of trusting. Tired of taking chances. Tired of allowing someone in, only to see them go just like that, with no warning. Is Love really this fragile? Is it really always just making a pit stop? I was naive and a bit silly again… and again. I don’t think it was love at all. Maybe it was lust, maybe it was vanity, maybe it was an adventure, maybe it was an illusion… I get amazed with how easy it is to let go of someone whom you repeatedly loved in every way, through words and actions. Suddenly, you’ve got nothing. Easy come, easy go.
“Just pretend it didn’t happen. Just pretend it doesn’t hurt”, I say to myself.
I wonder if it was all a big lie and easy light words gone with the wind… I wonder if it was about having a toy to play with while it was useful? And when no longer needed… just drop it?! How am I supposed to guess? My heart is mostly open. I love myself and respect myself enough to not lock it all the time. So when someone says “I love you”, I still believe it when it feels real, when my body and soul are united in the same frequency. I guess this is my lesson. It’s not letting the guard down for months… it’s not trusting and not allowing feelings to settle that quickly. But that’s not me… I’m a believer. Of Love. An idealist who gives everything. It didn’t feel like an illusion. I didn’t dream of it. It did happen. And it definitely did hurt.
And I acknowledge it, I accept it and I take the pain. I keep thinking what I did wrong… did I ask too much? Did I push the wrong buttons? Did I become uninteresting? Was I too tough, was I too soft? And you know what? No… I did none of that. For once, I let it roll. I let it flow with no specific requests other than being loved. And it still broke me. I know it’s not my problem. Yet, I still analyzed it though looking for what I had done wrong. I ask for answers, I get none. What makes a man ignore the person they valued (or seemed to value) so much up until 2 days ago?
How do you fight for what you believe? One can’t fight for love if no chance is given.
It’s painful. And once more, I’m going to turn it into something else.
Because guess what? No one is meant to beg for love. And when it’s not given to you, you can’t claim it.
So you might as well keep going. As you were. Free. Dedicated to yourself. Trustworthy. Peacefully strong. Knowing there must be a reason you can’t figure out yet. It’s your own work back in progress again. You become your own rock again. No more shoulder to cry on. No more personal, intimate conversations in the middle of the night with the person you learned to love and commit to. No more loud laughs. I prayed for something different. I prayed for something true and lasting. The end was just the same. The same pain. The same tears. The same abandonment. But it was so fulfilling while it lasted. You go through the usual roller coaster.
I know time will bring the needed healing. Time will bring the understanding of the plan the Universe  has for you. You just can’t see it yet. The only thing you see now is the pain and the mess the aftermath brings. But it will get better. Even if the big sweet bear isn’t there to hold your hand and cuddle you anymore.
You’ll get out of this stronger.
You just need to do your part. Breath. Focus. And move. It’s all about One now. The most important one. The one who has the steering of its own life.
And you decide which direction: up or down. And for me… it’s always up.
Even if the turbulence is pulling me down. In the end, we – as individuals, community, humanity – need to face we really are all struggling with so many things and feelings at the same time. Each of us with their own problems, issues, concerns, fears, sadness… some of us anticipating problems and making wrong decisions based on the unknown rather than wait… wait for the outcome and act accordingly. We live in anxiety. Exhausted. Not knowing why everything is happening the way it’s happening. We think it’s unfair and we deserve so much better. And yes, we do. The questions eat us away. And we live and learn how to cope. Again and again. One day at the time. One smile at the time.