Hello. Adele was on the car radio again.
My boyfriend of fourteen years, tried several times to let me go, but I hung on like someone who heard a sad diagnosis but continued to live as if not hearing it at all. Like the 1920s woman in the white silk gown dramatically hanging on her man’s leg (while posing beautifully), I hung on a bit longer as he unwillingly dragged me along. Only my image was more like sobbing, begging and promising I could change (to whatever he wanted.)
The voice on the radio felt painfully melancholy and at the same time vaguely empowering. I couldn’t figure out why, so I brushed the feeling aside. I had listened to it many times before and my mind confirmed that I had that stuff figured out a long time ago.
So why was I still feeling such deep sadness now?
Mournful lyrics are easy to get caught up in, especially when the voice is so beautiful. I continued driving figuring that I wasn’t quite finished with the pain of the breakup with the love of my life boyfriend. But I was satisfied that I’ve grown enough, done enough work on myself and read enough books that it will soon pass.
Somehow driving a five thousand plus beast helps me feel in control. But my mind isn’t relaxing. I start thinking about him again, and suddenly my ex-husband from years before that relationship, popped into my head. Well, that makes sense, I thought to myself, both relationships ended painfully so that would resonate. And then, the revelation.
I looked through the cloud in my eyes towards the side of the road so I could pull over. The image I saw didn’t make sense. I saw my ex-husband standing in front of me when I left with the kids. He was devastated. The pain in his face came rushing over me like a tidal wave. My tears and feeling of sadness became uncontrollable and it poured out of me as if I took my finger off the dam.
After all those years, I wasn’t able to recognize my ex’-husband’s pain because I didn’t feel capable of breaking someone’s heart. How could I, unworthy me, break someone’s heart. It was always the other way around, that my soul was crushed.
Now being forced to recognize it, I got it. Knowing that I caused the broken heart had nothing to do with power or control. It was about me realizing that I was loved and that I was worthy of love. Something my mother hadn’t taught me.
That night I sent healing and love to my ex and asked for forgiveness. The next time we met at a family gathering before I hugged his wife and son, I held our hug for an extra moment. I felt the unspoken forgiveness.
It’s not easy making the connection to the painful event in our past that is causing issues in other relationships, but I see how I had brought that un-worthiness into my next one.
So, when something touches you deeply and doesn’t go away …it is your understanding of God, Angels, or the Universe sending you opportunities to heal. Listen when your soul cries…she knows what she needs, and it’s up to you to accept.
When you’re triggered, give yourself 5 mins of alone time to really feel it. Name it and claim it, which means to follow the memory of a person, place or thing for a few moments. Then own it, don’t shove it back down. Once you do that, you’ll be more aware of what you needed to heal.