August 10, 2020

The Gift of Being the Family’s Black Sheep.

I often wonder what my life would have been like if I had been born male.

I wonder if I would have less anxiety and have a stronger sense of identity.

I wonder if I’d be able to tell which gender I’m attracted to.

Would I have learned to drive?

Would I have gone to prom with the date of my choosing?

I wonder if I’d stand taller.

Would I be an extrovert?

I wonder if people would be able to come in and out of my life more easily without me mourning the loss of them.

I wonder, just wonder, what it would have been like to have been loved.

If I hadn’t been the black sheep, who would I have been?

I think about it often and wonder.

I realize, though, the gift that comes with being the black sheep.

It means I’m free to explore.

I’m free to live.

I’m free to choose my family, my home, and my identity for myself.

Maybe my life doesn’t make sense to some.

For those who were the black sheep, though, you understand.

I may struggle often to stand on my feet.

I may cry.

I may struggle with the concept of “home.”

I may hold onto mother figures and want them to care for the little girl inside me.

I will mourn the loss of what was my home and fear what is to come.

I know though that I will be okay.

I will forever be a black sheep and happy to be so.

As a black sheep, I am free and loved as me. And this is all I have ever wanted.



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