I haven’t felt well in a year.
I take that back.
I haven’t felt well in one year and four months.
I try to put on a smile and pretend I’m okay, but I’m not hiding it well.
I can’t hide the pain I feel of being dumped by my therapist.
Maybe she thought this would be healing.
Maybe she knows she did something wrong and is running from it.
I’ll never know why she left me this way, but I do know, as she said, it wasn’t my fault.
I don’t feel well though.
I don’t know if I ever will.
You see, it’s been a year and four months, and I still cry myself to sleep and wonder if I could have done anything differently.
I wonder why I was offered a final session with my therapist only to have it taken away because I became upset with her.
I wonder what the role of a therapist is if not to explore all emotions of a patient, including pain and anger.
I wonder why I went to therapy with a broken heart and left with it shattered.
I wonder why we went from no boundaries for a year to a line you drew in the sand.
I wonder why you say I’ve done nothing wrong, and yet, I don’t get to work with you anymore.
I wonder why you can’t say you’re sorry. I wonder why, if I’ve done nothing wrong, your words are cold and distant.
I know I’ll never know.
I would put you down today if I could.
I can’t though. I can’t put you down because even though you shattered my heart, I love you.
It doesn’t matter why you felt our work was done.
It doesn’t matter who was right.
What matters is that your work harmed me.
Maybe one day I’ll heal.
I know one day I will.
Right now, though, I’m broken, and the little girl inside me is attempting to hold the hand of a new therapist.
She’s hesitant though.
She looks at her with desire to connect and fear to do so.
She thinks this therapist will leave too.
I fell asleep last night for the first time pretending not to hold your hand, but hers.
Maybe one day my adult self will be able to take care of her.
Right now though, after you crushed us, I need some help.
I think we will hold her hand for a while until some of our pieces are glued back together.