We can’t see it.
But, we can feel it deeply within our bones.
Trauma means a part of us was violated, manipulated, grabbed forcefully, or taken away from us to benefit the abuser.
Trauma is stored in our bodies. Whether it was physical, psychological, or emotional—it is all stored in the body.
Some of us were sexually molested or abused in childhood. Though we don’t have any recollection of the experience, our bodies tell us the truth—that something happened—as a result our heart and our bodies tend to close off.
More often than not, our nervous system might go through chronic shutdowns where we may experience a sensation of not being present in our body. We feel disconnected from our body, and mentally we feel closed off and distant.
Body aches or chronic illnesses can also be symptoms of our long-past trauma. While the trauma is stored in the body, it affects the entire nervous system, which also regulates our organs and emotions.
The reason I’m writing this article is to shed some light on our hidden traumas, which we might have if we are suffering any of the above symptoms.
Just because our minds don’t remember what happened to us (that’s a form of self-protection by our psyche in order to not relive the trauma—it blocks our memories) does not mean it did not happen.
Your body remembers.
And, your body knows.
I had my first mind-blowing vision when I met a healer while on my spiritual retreat in India five years ago, who also happened to be a dear friend. As we were talking, sitting, and sipping our coffee, she started to tell me her life story—how she went through so much abuse as a child.
As she was recalling her past, I experienced a sudden breakdown that came out of the blue, and I started crying heavily as I have never had before in my entire life. She held my hands, and asked me what I was experiencing internally.
I closed my eyes, and I saw a man in gray pants and a purple shirt. He was slim, around 50. He appeared to be the ugliest creature I had ever seen. He came closer in my vision; I could see all his details. As I started telling my friend what I was seeing, she held my hands tighter, and she also started crying.
Then, she said, “You were sexually abused by this man. Do you know him in real life?” she asked me.
I replied, “No.”
When I went back home, I asked mom to tell me more about the people who took care of me when I was younger, while my mom was working three shifts as a nurse. She described a man that perfectly fit the vision of the man that appeared to me while in India.
Things started to connect and make more sense, but I was confused as I don’t have any actual memory of the trauma. Then, I reviewed my longtime body dysmorphia issues, my longtime love-hate relationship with my body, my endless diets to look slimmer because I thought I was fat. My screwed-up, short connections with men that were never satisfying sexually or emotionally and left me emptier than before.
Those men were manifestations of my trauma: my body was being used, instead of loved and honored. I subconsciously chose those men to keep reliving my trauma. Though I have no memory or date of my trauma—my body knows. My body remembers.
And dancing is helping me, tremendously, to peel away the layers of trauma and shame and what my body went through. To clear up space within me. To connect deeper to my body and to express myself more freely through movement. To feel alive in my own skin.
If your trauma has no name, no memories—it does not mean it did not happen. Get closer to your body, and reflect on how you have treated your body sensually and sexually. How have your past or present partners treated your body? How does your body respond to that kind of treatment? Pay attention. You may encounter the trauma though listening to your body. Be patient as you discover the truth. Be more patient with healing your body and heart. It takes time.
But also know—it was not your fault.
Your trauma is where the light will enter you the strongest. Your trauma is your wound, and your wound is your gift to share with others.
Your trauma may have no name. No memory. But, it has shaped who you are today.
Let the tears fall. They will, multiple times.
Let yourself heal. Transform your wound into your superpower. Ask for help in doing so, if you need. There is great potential for alchemy in healing trauma. Get wiser and more sensitive because of it. It should not define your worth.
You are worthy.
You are enough.
You are beautiful.