I arrived at his place, and he opened the door slowly in silence.
He complimented my beauty and made me walk upstairs while he walked behind me. His dark masculine energy was penetrating me from behind; I could feel his eyes undressing me. This meaningless action of walking up the stairs while he watched opened my body in a way I had never experienced before.
We arrived in his room, and he handed over a gift: “I bought this for you to wear. I think you will like it. Please change into it while I get dinner ready for us. You have five minutes. Do you like red wine or white wine?”
He listened to my answer and left the room.
I opened the present and the most wonderful, sexy dress was inside. It was totally my style, and I could tell he has taken time to go through my social media pictures to get to know me. I tried it on—perfect from every angle.
He came back and stood in front of me. Again, I felt his sharp sight penetrating my body, mind, and soul—my body started to produce a high dose of adrenaline. His lack of words created a dense, dark energy—so intense that it scared me—yet, at the same time, there was nothing else I wanted to do more than give myself over to his mystery. He took my hand and spun me around slowly, very slowly, in silence. He looked at me with eyes of approval, and without quitting our gaze, he took off my underwear so deliberately it seemed to take an eternity.
“You look even better now. Stay there. Don’t move,” he ordered. He walked toward the closet, he pulled out a collar, and he sat down on the sofa.
The hormone rush made me feel fearful and excited in similar amounts, so I checked with myself and my body. I reassured myself I was safe, and as soon as I relaxed, I could feel my fluids running down my legs now that he had removed my panties.
He called me to the sofa and made me kneel in front of him. He asked me to put my head down; when I did, he placed the collar around my neck and attached a leash. He allowed me to take some deep breaths before he used the leash to guide my body over his knees.
A minute of silence passed that I perceived as an eternal void, and then he spanked me. Not like the little butt spanks while lovemaking I had experienced before with other partners. He spanked me, and only spanked me with a full, dense presence for over 30 minutes: different types of touches with hand and tools, soft and hard, a sweet heart-centered touch with bitter revenge energy.
I felt feelings of being unconditionally loved and empowered mixed with the embodiment of a wounded child who felt dominated and controlled all her childhood. Feelings of insignificance and invalidated emotions arose; I allowed my trauma to rise in the safe space so I could see it. Deep inside, I knew that all trauma wants is to be witnessed and met with love.
How can a scene like this be healing and empowering for the feminine/submissive role who has given power away to the top?
Baby, let’s talk about the juice of conscious kink: awareness of needs, desires, fears, boundaries, effective communication, and consent.
Before we end up in a scene like that, we have to create a safe space rooted in prior negotiation and open communication. In that setting, we can really show up in our vulnerability and allow emotions to take over; we can learn about ourselves, integrate it, and become more whole.
To really dive deep into surrender, especially if we want to consciously dip our toe into a past trauma, we need to trust the giver and, as equally important, we need to trust ourselves. We must know our noes and yeses, and trust we will honour and express them in the process, so we feel safe enough in our own bodies.
Trust demands the setting of a container in which we feel safe enough to be able to totally let go of control. The safest container possible is created when we have awareness and a high degree of self-knowledge. Knowing what arouses me, what grounds me, the words I like to hear and those I don’t, what triggers me out of surrender, and evokes trauma-based reactions are important boundaries to effectively communicate during the negotiation phase. That way, we can reach consent before going ahead with any interaction.
Boundaries can shift during the experience; they can stretch or shrink; it is useful to negotiate a way to open up a conversation during the scene if needed.
When all the elements explained are present, we set ourselves up for a deep journey with immense potential to explore unknown sides of ourselves, receive divine downloads, healing, and integration.
The healing lies in surrendering to the emotions that might surface, accepting the wounded parts within us, allowing them to show, and allowing ourselves to be held and seen from a place of love and compassion. Wounds are within us, but through this process, we can learn how to show up in presence when they are triggered.
The regulation of our nervous system plays an essential role throughout each conscious kink scene; always come back to deep belly breathing and exhalation through the mouth; this helps us to increase our “window of tolerance” and to witness our triggers and wounds from a place of safety—rewriting them with new sensorial inputs of acceptance and love.
Trauma is a holistic experience that impacts the body, mind, and soul and requires the same kind of holistic approach for resolution. The work with conscious sexuality and especially conscious kink, which involves setting a nonconventional but arousing practice, enables us to involve body, mind, and soul for a sustainable healing and consequent empowerment.
Empowered submission can only happen from an empowered decision of living in our present truth.