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November 24, 2020

Purging unhealthy relationship attachment – Joy in the face of separation

I am exploring the archetype of the Mystic in the feminine leadership course, “I Am Embodied Muse”by Ashtara Kukuk. As we embody the archetype of the mystic this week, we were invited to purge. There could not be a more fitting week in which to do so. At the end of last week (when we were studying the archetype of the lover) I reconnected with my ex-lover, Yeshua Lucis at Zen Awakening Festival. On Saturday, he and I took plant medicine together and I came to an understanding that all the reasons I was afraid of restarting a relationship were the areas in which it would be most powerful for me to grow. Namely, I was afraid of falling into a pattern of becoming attached in an unhealthy clingy way and not giving myself the beautiful freedom, presence, and reflections I receive from being alone. During my sacred journey I came to the realization that the process of learning to maintain the balance of connection and freedom is the powerful work the Goddess of Love is calling me into. And that, with a willing partner, learning to balance freedom and connections would not only benefit myself and my partner but if I shared my lessons it would also benefit the world. I further recognized that learning these lessons doesn’t have to cause me suffering. If only I shift my perspective I could view the lessons as a fun challenge in the game of life.
As the perspectives given to me by the plant medicine sunk in a great purge started; I began my monthly bleeding and it started to rain. I am purging the lie that my attachment would harm myself and my lover; purging the fear that I would not be able to maintain a healthy attachment style; purging the notion that my struggles with an unhealthy attachment style are a problem rather than a beautiful opportunity for me to learn and share my life lessons with others.

Tonight a hurricane will be passing over my abode. As prescribed by the embodied muse leadership course I will be meditating with blue lotus and with the torrential winds and rains of a hurricane purge my fears.

2 weeks later

For 3 days I had been feeling my old patterns of unhealthy attachment/clinginess start to worm their way into my connections with my lover, Yeshua. Our connection felt like warm, slimy, sticky mud sucking at me whenever I tried to move. I also felt a sense of sickeningly yellow stale nausea. Yeshua later shared with me that to him I felt like hot dry clay. Not knowing how to shift the attachment pattern I was grateful to be planning a trip to Georgia by myself for a few weeks. I figured traveling by myself would disrupt the attachment pattern ergo when we reunited I could return to a healthy connection.

But Yeshua, being sensitive to the energy between us, didn’t feel comfortable with such an arrangement. For 3 days, due to the energy of the unhealthy attachment pattern, he had felt less and less attracted to me. He started wondering whether or not we should be continuing our relationship.

A few days before I planned to leave for Georgia, he brought his concerns to me. His contemplations of breaking up shook me out of my attachment pattern. It hurt, but it also reminded me that at any point my relationship to Yeshua could end. The foundations of my old attachment pattern was a false belief that because we were dating I was safe from the pain of being alone; separated from love.

This false sense of security, while comfortable, prevented me from experiencing some pleasant and much more authentic feelings. By standing in the full knowledge of exactly how painful it would be if Yeshua broke up with me and facing the fact that he could leave me at any moment I not only free Yeshua and myself from attachments I am also opened to feel an intensely deep joy and gratitude for every moment I am given with Yeshua.

I had just last week learned of the feeling of “duende;” a Spanish expression describing a physical/emotional response. Duende is joy, authenticity, groundedness, and the pain that results from facing inevitable death. My therapist called this joy-pain. It is the deepest joy and gratitude; the gratitude and joy of being alive in spite of the full realization of the finiteness of life. I was joyful and grateful in spite of the full realization of the finiteness of our relationship; duende.

My paradigm shift into duende and the resulting healthy attachment and energy of openness within our connection was immediately felt by Yeshua. He described my energy as galactic and he had a sense of the Goddess Artemis (representing independence) coming through me. He could once again feel his attraction for me. I felt floaty and sad but surrendered and at peace with the possibility of breaking up.

I could feel in my gut that it was most aligned, most fitting and right, for us to continue dating. But, I also knew Yeshua may or may not perceive this alignment. I knew that while I might present a point to him, ultimately it was out of my control whether or not we continued dating.

He still felt uncertain. He questioned whether or not we should continue dating if his attractions for me continued to wax and wane. I shared with him my perceptions. I shared my belief that his lack of attraction had been due to him feeling the energy of the unhealthy attachment pattern that I was in the process of releasing. That instead of wondering whether or not we should be dating when he didn’t feel attracted to me, he could learn to trust that it is possible for him to have the beautiful galactic relationship he wants.  He could also share his lack of attraction with me as an indicator that I am slipping back into an unhealthy attachment pattern. Thus giving me the opportunity to return to right relationship with him. I am so grateful for  Yeshua’s ability to discern the most aligned action. He heard me, he understood me, and all his doubts about our relationship disappeared.

After our discussion we sang together. Dropping my old pattern shifted me into a surreal, artistic, galactic realm; for the first time I was able to “catch a song” (sing improvised lyrics). Our sex that night was beautifully galactic. His body swirled with the pinks, purples, and deep blues of a glorious nebula and as he entered me he filled me with stars. I felt myself as a sparkling amethyst colored amebic mysilial network reaching up into his stars and occasionally sprouting an emerald faery who would fly into his sky to dance with his vast expanse of swirling colors.

The next day we visited the Dali Museum, Salvador’s surreal works of art reminding us of our sexual experience and inspiring us to create art. As we walked back from the museum my circular amethyst amulet broke in half; a good omen indicating I have broken my old pattern. I am so grateful to have arrived in this surreal galactic realm and excited to see what more this next chapter in my life will bring.

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