I know this feeling all too well…
That dense, dark, achingly depressing place I am led back to at times. I am sure you know it too.
It feels like a dark cloud over me that I cannot escape. And yet it is strangely comforting too… A bit like the comfort of burying myself in a bed of warm covers to escape the world.
I actively resist help and support here. I don’t want to talk to anyone, or even respond to your caring text message. It’s like on some level I know I am here again for a reason and I want to learn how to crawl out by myself…
And then a little bit more awareness starts to creep in. It’s usually after I start writing and can see the gross reality of my thoughts. I start to connect the dots of why I am feeling so low. Because I am actually believing these perceptions in my mind and then creating a physical feeling in my body, what we call an emotion; this heaviness.
Do you get it too?
Even when the outside world has hardly shifted, but your internal state is waaaaaay off.
Yep, that place. It’s like… where the fuck have I gone to?!
You start then to hear the questions in your head a little clearer rather than being completely and unconsciously absorbed in them.
The questions like:
“Why is this shit happening to me?”
“Why do I keep ending up here?”
“What the fuck am I supposed to do?”
And then the anger at the world.
The blaming of the universe.
“Why aren’t you on my side?”
The questions are really rhetorical ones though aren’t they? Like a sarcasm almost. An up yours to the world ????
And then at the depths of it, it’s always the depths of it… there is a little S H I F T.
And I start to realise I am in the driver’s seat…
I can choose to ask a different question.
My little voice is quiet behind the sarcastic voice, but slowly it gets more prominent.
I lay in bed and hold myself. Self soothe with my blankets and my hot wheat bag and I ask…
✨”What am I here to create?” ✨
A far better quality question, that comes with a far better answer…?
A slow and gradual returning to the greater purpose…
A reminder of what’s bigger. A reminder of my why for existence.
And then I allow the answers to come.
No anger. No sarcasm. There is a calmness in the voice.
There is no rush to have it all figured out.
Let the heaviness guide you instead of trying to push it away.
Choose to ask yourself a better question.
And then let the quality of the answers steer you back on your way…
With love from one human to another