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December 6, 2020

“Because of Covid”

I’ve never wanted to die. But because of Covid I do.

A Virus this powerful has made me want to at times.

No I don’t have Covid. Nor do I want it. No, I don’t think it’s a fake virus. I think it’s a virus. A relatively unknown virus. That kills. 

What makes me want to die, is the ability this virus has to destroy.

The seeking invisible ability to destroy families, businesses, traditions, values, vacations, jobs, housing, decency, human nature, bonds, holidays.

Almost everywhere, a million times a day you hear “Because of Covid.” It’s a “reason” for any possible thing that can’t be done yet sometimes doesn’t even seem to correlate “with Covid”.

The biggest thing in my world that this virus has destroyed is the lack of attention and empathy for the ongoing opiod epidemic that came crashing into my life two years ago.

I mean we could compare the death rates between the two and all, but it would always end in the statement: “Well, addiction is not contagious, addicts knew the risk, they’re not innocent, they brought this on theirselves”

That’s awesome. It’s another painful jab to a mother’s hurting heart.

So pain is now judgementized?( I’m aware this may not be a real word?)  I thought pain  was pain. I was taught as a nurse that pain is what ever the PATIENT said it was….. Not what pain YOU think they have. ( Thanks to studies sponsored by Purdue—which helped contribute to this epidemic in the first place)

So WE are playing God by deciding who’s worthy of treatment or sympathy? It’s an honest question.

“No we’re not playing God, it’s just that addiction will always be around, this virus NEEDS our attention NOW.”

Do you know what else needs attention? An innocent little kid who needs her daddy back. What else?  A man who has lost every single thing he worked for 15 years to get and now he shaking miserably in the bathroom of a speedway not knowing where to get his next fix so he’ll stop vomiting.

A mom who night after night cries herself to sleep wondering where she went wrong. A mom who begs a God she never quite believed in before, to please save her son.

Maybe that’s all I want. Is sympathy. I get it. I haven’t lost anyone to Covid. Close but not quite. But I guess I kindof resent the fact that those who have lost relatives to covid are getting the mass media coverage like crazy.

Stories put to music about how much their relative suffered in the hospital and the heroes who took care of them. (I’m a nurse, I’m a hero sometines too!)

Let me be clear. I’m not downplaying anyone’s experience. I’m just saying that if their loved one was one who suffers with a substance abuse disorder, they probly would not be used as a ” story” to feature the need for a certain point to be made such as mask wearing. people to take it “more seriously”. “We” ARE taking it seriously. Every aspect of our lives have changed, how could we not? “We” are very aware of some of the hidden agendas that are being indirectly and sometimes directly played on in families suffering with their grief.

This is done by using that pain as a “message” by having it come from the tear- stained face of a family member pleading with people to Pleeease care! Do your part!!

Of course if I mention this to any real person, I’m surely insensitive. Or a conspiracy theorist. If I mention that I’ve been in “isolation” for years by quarantining our family secret of this addiction, then it’s just not the same.

But I attest to you, the pain is real. The fear of the unknown Is real. The dread of receiving “the call” is on my mind every single day.

When I see how far people have jumped and caved and twisted and turned for this virus, yes I’m jealous. I’ve written letter after letter asking for assistance with the nightmare journey of addiction. Famous people, entertainers, influencers, politicians, netflix documentary lawyers. I rarely get a response. Russel Brands people gave me some self care advice. Nester Nation guy said he would pray. Garth Brook’s wasn’t available for personal emails.

What did I want them to do? I don’t know. Wisk him away to the indies for a swanky rehab I guess. Eric Clapton’s rehab did offer me a deal for $14k a month.


I’ve resigned to the fact that “because of Covid,” No one can really help. Especially when people are in constant chaos about the state of the world and the safety and future of themselves and their families.

So I trudge through each day on a wing and a prayer. ?.

Praying that “Because of Covid”, some miracle may happen to bring my son back to life.

Life before Covid.

Life before addiction.

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