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December 23, 2020

Finding Joy Under the Cloak of Trauma.

Is pure joy possible?

Could I live in a state of bliss, wearing this cloak of trauma that seemingly followed me everywhere?

The ripple effect from other people’s choices—and some of my own—had stained my life in a messy way for many years.

I believed this was my wardrobe, and I wore it so damn well.

The pain drove so deeply into my soul for so long; I had become comfortably numb.

It became me.

Reoccurring situations, weighted by grief and pain, stole my joy. My heart was so heavily burdened; I could barely catch my breath.

I was in a dark, lonely place without a vision for a long-term solution.

For several years, I tried to normalize the pain in my world.

Because I had so little air to breathe, I had nothing left to give anyone. I couldn’t give a sh*t because I was broken.

My backpack and tool belt—carrying a supply of self-help—was non-existent.

I had no idea how to remedy the pain I had ignored for so long. I was drowning in shame and failure.

When I surfaced for air, I felt as if everyone was trying to push me back under.

Witnessing my pain made people uncomfortable, as it probably reminded them of their own wounds.

I learned that by placing a smile on my face, people believed I was happy.

I showed them what they wanted.

My smile became the false reality of my life.

I knew I needed to acknowledge my pain. I was not really living my life, but only surviving and existing while clinging to the barest minimum of thread.

I wasn’t going to give up. I wanted to experience breathing life into others.

I am now living in a state of bliss despite my “cloak of trauma” that tried to follow me everywhere.

I am so blessed. Experiencing joy is more beautiful than I ever could have imagined.

Experiencing trauma, grief, and pain for over half of my life has given my eyes a focus quite different from others.

I can empathize completely because I have been there before, and I know what it feels like.

I see things differently now. I feel joy so deeply in my skin; I am unable to express it in words.

Joy fills my heart with unspeakable tingles as it touches my life.

Joy fills my lungs with air so fresh I can share it with those I love.

Happily ever after isn’t just a fairytale. It’s a choice to love and embrace our moments—to be uncovered, vulnerable, and wide open.

 

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