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December 14, 2020

I’ve Learned A Lot This Year

I learned a lot in this past year about love and about pain.

I learned that after sheltering myself from men for over 20 years because I was afraid of being rejected again that I am finally capable of putting myself out there.

After years of being overweight and overlooked and finally finding the confidence that came with losing 130 lbs, I gave it one million percent with someone I was convinced was finally the one.

At 44 years old, I’ve never been married, I’ve never had children and I’ve never even been in a long-term relationship but I met someone who lit my soul on fire and I fell in love with him, inside and out.

For the first time in my life, someone felt like home to me. The energy between us was electric and he was the very first guy who ever made me feel like I was in the right place at the right time.

But then it fell apart.

My heart completely broke. So much so that sometimes it’s painful to even put one foot in front of the other.

I am at a loss to understand why this happened the way it did. After all the time my life was void of someone special. I had so much hope invested in him only to have it ruin me in the end and have me question why I even tried in the first place.

I kept kicking myself over and over again for falling for it. The deep conversations, the emotional and physical connection between us, the mutual love that I genuinely felt between us that I have never felt with anyone before.

All my past experiences were always one-sided but this felt different.

So much so that I overlooked his terrible habits, his flaky behavior and the fact that he left out some crucial details that could’ve prevented me from falling so deep.

I wanted so badly for him to be the guy I’ve been waiting for.

Every part of me now is in pain and the fact that he lives so close to me doesn’t help the situation at all. In fact, there are times it feels excruciating; like coming to terms with it is completely impossible.

I am trying so hard to forgive him and to forgive myself but sometimes I just feel like my heart is going to stop.

There is part of me that knows it’s time to move on but then there’s the other part of me that still has some semblance of hope that we will end up together in the end.

In a few days, it will be one year since we started getting to know each other and I keep remembering how happy it made me to finally feel like I’ve met someone who truly gets me.

Then I remember how defeated I feel now and I wish with everything I have that I could go back and erase it all.

But the truth is, I should be proud of myself.

I met someone, fell in love and, instead of hiding my feelings for fear of being rejected, I fought.

And I fought hard.

I lost but at least I tried.

At least I had enough faith and confidence in myself to really try this time.

I’m glad I learned that it’s possible to have mutual feelings with someone, even if they weren’t meant to last.

And I’m glad I learned that I am capable of loving someone that much.

If I can love the wrong person that much, imagine how much I can love the right person when the time finally comes.

And it will. I just need to learn to be patient.

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